773. - Sophie Kemp

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. How long gone? It's a beautiful sunny day here in New York, Jason. The temperature is chilly, but the vibe is high because of the sunshine. It sounds like Hawaii to me. Yeah, except the temperature is not chilly here. It is sizzling, but the sunburn helps keep things bad. Okay, how are we doing? Was it hard to sleep last night? Is it that bad? No, no, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. I've had one of those. I've had one that... i probably should have sought medical attention whoa and did not a long time i mean it was a long time ago i was just you're only this many yeah no i was i wish it was that i wish it was that young but no but i just roasted it was in jamaica this isn't i mean this is when i was like 24 maybe and i just fucking i was like sunscreen i don't need that shit that's pussy and then i absolutely like couldn't shower like i had to like lower myself slowly into a cold bathtub to clean my body I learned my lesson since, and I love sunscreen now. I embrace it fully. Not me. I think it's the devil. It feels wrong and evil. Well, you have an Asian wife, so I don't know how you get away with that because the Asian community loves sunscreen and staying out of the sun maybe more than anyone. Yeah, but there's different kinds. I don't want to get into this right now. It's 645 in the morning, but there's levels to this Asian shit. Okay, okay. Certain countries.

They embrace it more than others. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, sure. That's fair. I think that's fair. I don't mean to generalize. Just like Jamaica is to the Americas, we've got island rhythms and we've got mainland rhythms. You know what I mean? We've got the South Korean auntie who wears a sleeve over the arm while they're driving. That's my favorite. And a full face mask, you know? David Cho's... uh ant is wearing the full thing and then you know we got other you know thailand sure they're roasted fresh off of white lotus yeah they're roasted embrace a more tan culture they're outside a lot more yeah no you're right you're right right i'm sorry i i do think of How many times I've looked over in L.A. driving down the street and see someone looking like they're almost in some sort of sweat-wicking hazmat suit to prevent the sun that's coming through the tent of their Lexus. Hawaii has got to be a Lexus, Chris. Come on. I'm just saying. But that's a fun protection. The level of protection seems extreme. You know, people look great. It works. So, you know, I can't really fault anyone for it. Yeah. I mean, the parts of my body that are normally always exposed, that's totally fine. You know what I mean? My arms and legs. But then once it's like the upper inner thigh. Sure. How's the TJ bird chest looking? It's pink. It's looking medium rare. You're saying the bird chest is a red robin, if it were. I am saying that, Chris. I am saying that. I mean, the only real rehabilitating thing, I mean, putting on a wife beater is really tricky. It kind of feels like a bunch of little daggers or like some type of, you know, jellyfish got me. And then since, like, the armpit is the least sun-exposed part of your body, regardless of how, I mean, your taint in your armpits, you know, your body naturally. Shields that area from the light just in terms of the way shadows and gravity work and everything like that. So every time I lift my arm up, you can feel the little crease. You almost feel like the skin is just going like... Yeah, that's not great. That's not great. Well, I'm praying for you and hopefully you got some after sun or maybe some cold aloe vera. Oh, the hotel comes with a big bottle of after cool gel.

That's nice. You're not supposed to drink it, but I've resorted to that. One more Mai Tai for me, please. No, I'll put my own creamer in it. Don't worry. I've got my own creamer. Don't worry about it. No, no. I'll be fine after this. We're going to go hit the beach and then... You know, get some dope-ass poke from a liquor store that locals only go to. Hell yeah, bro. Hell yeah. I've heard about that. And then hit the spa, and I'm just going to do cold mist for two hours. You already know what it is. We're going to cool it back down. I need to give a quick recap of the Graydon book party last night. It's the first time I've been in a room in a long time where I felt like I brought the age down, but I also brought down the gross median income. It was the richest people I've ever been. Really? I was starstruck by, like, Barry Diller walked by, and I was completely starstruck. I was like, damn, this is the goat. What are Barry Diller stands called? Great question. Dillers? Dildos. Dildos. Dildos. All right, the dildos were me from what I could tell. But it was at this performing arts center next to the World Trade Center, like the Condé Nast office. And it's basically because Bloomberg hosts it. I guess Bloomberg has this policy about wearing name tags. So you walked in the door. Does the policy never wear name tags? No, no, it's everyone wears name tags. And so every single person was wearing a name tag. And I have to say, it looks lame as hell and it's going to ruin all the photos. But it was pretty sick to be able to see. Well, I know that you're famously anti all of that. So it took a room this powerful to humble you and to shut your little ass up. Because you won't even wear a backstage pass to your own live show. You won't even wear a wristband to get on stage at your own performance. I do hate that. I do hate that. Yeah, you're right. I won't. I won't. This felt more clinical and sort of like educated. It felt like we were at like a college course or something. So maybe the foreignness of it all felt good to me. Sure. But anyway, Michael Bloomberg gave a speech and, you know, Martha Stewart was there.

Christine Baronski was there. There was a bunch of, it was a funny, it was like a very funny. So this was to celebrate his book. It came out yesterday, officially, I believe. So it was a, yeah, it was real who's who in this, in this building of people that live above 70th street and are touching, you know, not a hundred million, but maybe 80. Sure. Sure. What are the chances that we're going to get Graydon on the pod again to talk about his new book? I don't think that – I definitely don't think he would do that. I don't think he has any interest. First of all, I don't think he remembers doing this. And if his memory was jogged, I think it would be negative. Like he would agree to do it and then remember who we were and then get on and be like, wait a second. No, no, no. I'm not doing this. He would say, did that, sis? Maybe not. I mean, maybe not. But I also – he did Anderson Cooper. I mean, he's kind of – he's leveled up. I'm just appreciative that he fit us in at all. to be honest. So I'll take that. But yeah, it was just a funny, it was a very funny, fun party. And Michael Bloomberg gave a speech that was very, how do I say? He was trying to be funny and sometimes that worked. But I wonder if he wrote it himself. What do you think? What do you think though? I mean, I don't know anything about Michael Bloomberg. I've never really heard him speak. So I got no... real uh insight onto this let me google him right now to double check what his face looks like yeah i don't i've never heard him talk in my entire life he looks like one of the least funny people that was ever born exactly exactly exactly so maybe maybe he got called he's also 83 years old and has over 100 billion dollars so the chances of him being humor are low Very low. I would agree. I love that he's on Instagram, and we have 11 mutuals. Who are all these people following Michael Bloomberg, Jamie Oliver? I feel like it could be weird New York. I mean, he's a legend here, for better or worse. Sure. Shout out to the god. He looks like he wears kind of cool clothes, though, for a guy of his age. I just cannot believe that.

that he has that much money. Do you think he'll add me on LinkedIn? I think it's possible that his third assistant would add you on LinkedIn. I don't think that's out of the question. I don't think that's out of the question. Okay, bet, bet, bet. Yeah, what was I doing? Yeah, we were at the beach yesterday and we were watching some local dudes playing spike ball. Of course. Are you familiar with spike ball? That's very popular at southern beaches as well. Yeah, these were definitely people from the south. Got it, got it, got it. It was two regular guys, one guy who wouldn't take his shirt off, the fat guy, and then the skinny guy who's an asshole. So it was like the quintessential four top of Southern kind of post-college dudes. They're playing the spike ball. And I noticed it was the most Southern dude thing of all time. And I want to know if this is something that speaks to you. But they would. they had no problem saying the word retard, but they would say bullcrap instead of bullshit. You know what I'm saying? That is a very interesting observation. I would say that that... Like, they won't say the word shit. They won't cuss in public. But I think that that's the thing. I think technically, retard, although offensive and stupid, is not a cuss word technically. And I think that is the kind of loopholes that Southern people are looking for so that they don't have to wash away their sins. But these are cuss words. For you and I, we play in the social norms of what we're going to offend our fellow human beings, and that's how we choose our language, whereas they are only... being judged in the eyes of jesus christ right so in in their mind jesus has no problem with saying something so offensive as calling somebody a retard but then they would never say the s-h-i-t word i don't think it's that i wish it was that clear and thought about but i think it's really like there's a core group of cuss words and if things fall within that group then that's how they're classified and they fall outside of that group then they are are are free to go

let's say tell me more about this core group of cuss words please well the core the core group is obviously shit fuck damn ass uh i think and i think that's it really i think that's the story there was the the george carlin bad words i don't want i don't watch comedy that people like mark maron talk about so i'm not familiar It's the seven words you can't say on TV. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, balls, prick, and ass. Well, balls, prick, and ass you can definitely say on TV now. It's not a problem. Yeah, this was from 1978. But the cunt is a great example. Cunt is a word that is considered very offensive, especially outside of the UK, and it's not technically a cuss word. You know what I mean? In my book, it's not technically a cuss word. I don't know about you. In your book, it is not a cuss word. What is a cuss word? Just like I said, shit, fuck, damn, ass. Those are the top four dead or alive cuss words. And fuck's number one. Fuck's number one because it's probably the most divisive. But cunt doesn't make the cut. I don't know. I'm sorry. And shout out to all our British people. All right. We have a guest today. I'm sure she loves cuss words. Sophie Camp is a writer. Her book, Paradise Logic, I think comes out today, actually. And she also has written several legendary Pitchfork album reviews, et cetera, et cetera. So we're going to get into it. We're going to get into it with her today. Okay. Let's give her a Zoomie. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you.

How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code how long taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code howlong with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, sort of our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world, writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly, a website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools. So those future graduates can find me and, you know, I'm able to accept, quote, unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new, you know, 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. You know, show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early. And we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional.

as your competition, if not more. So head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable. And they're just easy, but, you know, still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. You know, they focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Okay. Okay. Sophie, thank you for joining us. I want to talk about some of your artwork just because I'm seeing two prominent pieces of art. If you could explain one looks to be Russian propaganda over your right shoulder. Is that fair? Yeah, definitely. Okay, so just to get this out of the way, you are part of the Kremlin, then? Yeah, definitely. I'm definitely a Kremlin operative. That's why I live in Prospect Leffert's Gardens. Yeah, of course. That's a known kind of hub for your time. What is it, though, for real? Yeah, my dad went to Moscow in the 80s before the end of the Soviet Union. Before the Tate Brothers rose to prominence? It was really cheap to go there. He was living in Dublin and just bought a bunch of...

soviet propaganda for like uh whatever the currency was there but like basically for free sure that's a nice okay so there's a nice origin story there your dad like jason said your dad helped raise the tate brothers and then he kind of came back and helped you which is nice and what was moscow's moscow brother okay when it was when you could really get pissed on in a hotel room you know what i'm saying yeah exactly what is the what and what is to the left here is that a calendar of sorts yeah it's like um I was, like, really dissociating on Instagram and, like, saw that this, like, hot Instagram model was selling, like, um... Like nude calendars of herself. And I was like, yeah, I want that. That's actually really cool. That's really, really cool. Because it looked like it could be streetwear adjacent, like a Supreme or like Sneeze magazine. But you're saying it's just a classic influencer. No, I think she's like a cool model, but I could not tell you who it is. Because I was like really associated. If you put the zoom lens right closer, we could probably figure it out, sweetheart. Jason might. No, Jason might. I'm trying to pinch to zoom. Oh, wow, this is great. Okay, so Prospect, how do you say it again? Prospect Leopard's Gardens. I've never said that out loud. You shouldn't. It's not like a real place to live. What goes on there? Is it near the park? Yeah, I live like a five-minute walk from Prospect Park. It's basically like Park Slope for people who are like a little more middle class. Okay, and you're saying Park Slope is upper class. yeah i couldn't afford to live there okay even though you're a published author and an educator you're saying that yeah well i wanted i wanted to i live in a two-bedroom apartment alone i have like really high standards for like what's gonna work for me okay sure sure well i like that's a good quality to have i would say overall okay so you have one you have one room for a sleep in and then what is the other room it's like a one and a half bedroom like i have like a room like an office basically okay your podcast studio yeah this is my this is my v-lab This is kind of my media room. If you want to come back to my place, we can watch. I have a big screen. It's in the media room if you want to come back to my place. That's okay. I wrote down some notes. I've been reading your book on the beach. It's a fucked up thing to read on the beach in Hawaii. I'm in Hawaii right now. You're in Hawaii reading my book. That's so cool.

thanks yeah it's pretty cool but then when i realized like i'm a grown adult man and then the cover of it makes it look like i'm reading like kind of ya anime porn you know what i mean yeah with that with the hardback you can take off the the dusk jacket you can kind of it's a sand jacket where i live but yeah something like that yeah when you're up when yeah when you're on delta 39c and your neighbor looks over he might think you guys are on the same reddit or something yeah that you're reading like um yeah like kind of like an anime book for teens yeah but it has a little more like fan fiction like is this person gonna fuck an animal yeah you know something like that it wades into the waters of bestiality but in like an innocent way so um what are what are your meals I feel like you have an interesting meal. Well, I'm like doing like book press right now and like everyone really wants to treat me. So I've actually had three things in the past week. Okay. So protein is high. All right. All right. Protein is high. Josephine Rogan over here. Go off. Trying to bulk off for spring. Yeah. No, I think I'm just going to, I'm going to get out. Great motivator to finish a book. All of our listeners out there who are on the fence, they're having a hard time. Once that thing comes out, you're eating three steaks a week. Yeah. And that's a lot of fucking team. What steakhouses have you been to, or is this just more at a brasserie that offers steak free? For sure. That's a really good question. Well, my, I was just in Paris with my boyfriend and he bought a Cote de Boeuf. I don't know if you've ever seen that. It's like, it's like, it's like this big. And he's like, he like was like, you need to eat that. Uh, and I was like, okay, that sounds great. So I did that. Uh, and then like my best friend bought me a steak at the funny bar. Okay. I don't know if I would eat a steak from Funny Bar. It actually was really good. Funny Bar.

like really shocked by the fact that it tasted like a steak and not like some kind of like mystery meat okay it wasn't a prank steak it was actually it was actually like really good steak and the fries were like they tasted like from mcdonald's which is kind of like my main barometer for whether or not fries are good that's top that's top fry i think most people would agree with that yeah and then my editor took me to frenchette last night so i had almost okay damn wow you really have been on a world tour it's cheaper to fly to paris and order the coat de boeuf than to just go to frenchette Yeah, the Cote de Beaufort I had in Paris was cheaper than the fucking this size. No, I'm including the flight cost and hotel as well into the friendship. Yeah, I mean, I didn't pay for any of these steaks, but for sure. Proud of you. That's good. But if you're left to your own devices, is it saltines and Gatorade, or you'll buy yourself a steak? Yeah, what level of tin fish are you eating? Yeah, you look like you eat tin fish. I don't do that shit. Hell yeah. I knew you were my kind of chick. You said no to tin fish. That's for losers. Yeah. I'm a Park Slope food co-op member, though, so I am just kind of like, okay, I'm going to make lentils for dinner. Okay. Jason, are you familiar with the Park Slope food co-op and the lore around it as a Los Angeles resident? I mean, I know. You can get the gist. I can get the gist, but what specifically about this location has the lore pumping? Well, there's been, over the years, lots of drama about, I think, certain rich people. and celebrities sending their staff to pick up the shifts. Yeah, I think Maggie, Maggie Gyllenhaal was kind of accused of that. Which is like, that is the brokest thing you could get mad about. That is that getting mad about that is so broke behavior. I can't believe it. Who cares? Look, the co-op needs her to be I mean, I guess Maggie's not really doing that much right now. But like, she's, she's better. She's a more important asset. making TV shows than working the cash register. So I've never known anything about co-ops. You have to work there sometimes? You have to. If you're a member, you're a worker. So you have to work there every six weeks. It's like jury duty. All this for some fucking dirty rutabagas? It is, yeah. I'm in the basement. I feel like I'm in the gulag, literally cutting cheddar cheese for half hours.

We're going back to Russia. Fuck it. Like wearing a hair nut. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. I would never in a million years do this. I think it's the craziest thing on earth that people do this. Like just go buy your vegetables. You can afford it. I know you can, but do you like the sense of community or do you like the, the, or do you like faking like your working class? Um, I went to Oberlin college is my honest answer. So I have like stock homes. It's your duty. You're like, look, bro, I'm bored into this. I don't fucking know what to tell you. Those are the mean streets I walk on. Is it possible to not work at a co-op? I have no idea. Okay, so when you're chopping cheese in the basement with a hairnet on, what are some of the other... Because I'm sure the tasks rotate, so what other... tasks are kind of your favorites, let's say. My favorite one is actually the cutest one, which is helping old people carry their groceries to their brownstones. Okay, all right. Look, leave some pussy for the rest of us, okay? Relax. When you do that, what's the over-under on them giving you a little tip for that help? They would never give you a tip and you would never ask that. It's not like Publix. No, because it's a co-op. Everybody's a member. It's a co-op. Everyone is a member. Everyone is a worker. Unless you're retired. Which happens at some point. Retired from the co-op or retired from regular working? Retired from the co-op. If you're over 65, you don't have to work anymore. Okay, so if the AARP magazine comes in the mail, you don't have to wash lettuce in the basement. What are the upsides of the co-op is what I would like to know. Great question, Jason. Great question. Farmer's market quality produce for an unbeatable price. Okay, I knew that was going to be your answer. Okay, do you have to pay for a membership as well as the food? You have to pay like $100 like one time. Oh, okay. It's like an REI lifetime membership type thing. I can wrap my head around that. It's a really good deal. Can you use Rocket Money to cancel your co-op subscription? Exactly. Can you use Klarna? Yeah, you could definitely use Klarna. Yeah, probably. That would be really cool if the co-op partnered with Klarna for membership. Three more months and this borscht is paid off.

I don't. OK, so this is something how often I've never talked to someone who's actually done this before. So sorry, I'm being so inquisitive. How often do you have to pick up a shift, as they say, in the working business? It's like every six weeks, but you can also bank them. I banked a lot of shit. You can do a bunch of shifts in one week, so you don't have to do them for a while, which is what I did, because I was like, I do not want to have to be fucking cutting cheese when I'm doing my glamorous press film for my book. Sure, okay, smart. Did you make sure to tell everybody why you're banking them? No, I just said that it was because of the election. And everyone there said, say no more. Yeah, that's the more. I did it in November. All those people have written books. That's the problem. They're not impressed by that. That's what they do for a living, too. Hating Donald Trump is a better reason not to get out of bed for those people, for sure. Speaking of books, I was reading a little bit of the LA Review of Books review of your book. That was a wordy one. I know, right? I think I have my morning Kona coffee Java blend, macadamia and nut roast. Oh, that's nice. But it called your book, A Bleak Assessment of the Landscape for Heterosexual Women, and One That Seems to Match Your Own. And that's sort of a subject that we've been talking about, or I've been talking about a little bit. I know a lot of chicas who are awesome, beautiful, talented, not psycho, good job, good sense of humor. But there's no more dudes left for them to date. Do you find this to be a similar landscape in your life? I mean, you said you have a boyfriend now, but maybe pre-boyf? I don't know. I guess I was single for a while. Most of the time I was working on my book. By choice, I'm sure. By choice. Yeah, absolutely. I didn't have a boyfriend. I don't know. I feel like the, like, the weak part is, like, not necessarily that, like, there's, like, not enough dick. It's, like, a more, like, nefarious, like, other thing, like, the ways in which, like, people treat each other in romantic relationships. Yeah, I would agree lack of dick is not a problem. I said good dick, not just dick. There's plenty of it. But, I mean, I don't mean, like, that in the physical, sexual way, but just, like, do you find that there is a shortage of eligible...

heterosexual men in the in america i think there probably is yeah i feel like um yeah it doesn't seem like it's good right now i think it depends on what you consider eligible i think that is the like if you we all have different levels of standards yeah everybody's eligible is different you know what i mean like that's that's but i think that this is grossly overstated but i think it's like a talking point now that has been like examined maybe too much Because who can say if it's really true or not, you know? Yeah, I agree. It's like the crisis of masculinity. It's like, who's to say? Like, I don't know. It's like, maybe it's a crisis for some people, but also a lot of people are just like, everything's like fine. Like, I just like have a girlfriend, I play Halo. Like, everything's great. Exactly. That's literally what I mean. Is it similar to long COVID, Chris? I do have long COVID, Sophie. I'm suffering from long COVID. I'm so sorry. I don't know this for sure, but I had a pesky cough that wouldn't leave for like three weeks. So I'm now... uh, immunocompromised. I just wanted you to know that. I had really bad COVID a couple of years ago. And then after that happened, I like didn't enjoy smoking cigarettes anymore. So I always have felt like that was like, did you, did you, did it lead you to quit? Um, I mean, I was never really a smoker. I was just like somebody who would like have a cigarette after a martini. Okay. Uh, no, I don't do that anymore. You're just vaping now only. I don't, I don't vape. That's just like, that's really like 14 year olds. And many of our listeners. Yeah. Oh, Jason, actually, Jason, we have an advertisement on this podcast now for Lucy, which is like a like a Zen type thing. Jason, I got an email today from someone saying not cool that we had that advertisement. And I believe that he literally works for the government to stop smoking. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating. And I told him. Whoever you are, bro, you would say it's not cool. I told him this podcast is free, was my response. And we keep it free for our listeners with thanks to our friends at Lucy. Delicious Lucy. I can enjoy it on the beach and nobody knows. Enjoy it on the plane. It's fine. I can see you having some nicotine tucked in your bottom lip, Sophie. Get a little high going. I don't do that. You like to get high, though.

don't you i'm like kind of like a fruit about drugs i don't know i don't know i don't have a name perfect there's nothing wrong come on queen don't fuck with us like that so you're saying to me that you run in these literary circles you're not doing a little bit of cocaine on the weekends i don't believe it i i don't i don't like i there was definitely a time but um i found that like nose drugs kind of make me suicidal so i don't do them that's okay that's a pretty good read okay look i get it that's a fair reason not to do it and it sounds like a very song um but also you are one of those people who are like i don't do drugs i am drugs In so many lives, right? Yeah, kind of. Yeah, I just feel like one of my friends said that he thinks that I have a slow drip of the DMT that comes out of your brain when you die, like just all the time. All right. The DMT is in you. You can't put it in. I don't need any more of it. So like most of us, like when Chris dies, he will have a, it'll be like when you bite into a gusher or a camel crush or a delicious Lucy's breaker, a rush of that DMT goes into your mind, a euphoric sensation as you die. But you, one little bloop bloop for your whole life. for better or for worse there's pros and cons to that drip i'm assuming yeah i definitely feel like i'm you know like people say when they i've never done dmt i don't really feel like that's for me but they say you see like the entity uh i feel like that's like i don't like each that's like kind of always there okay The entity is always there? Okay. Is the entity in the room with us now, then? Yeah, for sure. Okay. All right. That's good to know. I don't think we've ever had the entity. When we're done, send me their at so I can tag them on the episode. Yeah, I will. I was going to say, we've never done a podcast with the entity before, but I'm glad that they're here now. That's what you think, Chris. I don't want to gender the entity. That's really woke of you. Are you wearing a hand-drawn shirt as well? Yeah. It says party all night. Okay.

All right. Is that a shirt that was given to you? Did you make that shirt? No, I found it on a stoop in Cobble Hill. It's, like, for a child. Okay. Okay. So you're one of those New Yorkers that picks up trash off the street and makes it their own. Yeah, but, like, I also, like, have really fancy clothes. So, like, you can go both ways. You're a high-low chick. Yeah. Like, I, like, wear slacks from the row. But, like, I also have that. I love that. I love a high-low mix. My question to you, though, is. No wonder you're not single anymore. Exactly. You got, yeah, men love. $1,200 trousers. I'll tell you what, that's what we look for. No, I mean, that's the ultimate. I was talking to Carolyn about this yesterday. I didn't pay a full price for that. You want to have, we were literally having this conversation last night. You want to have an expensive row trouser and then like a shirt like that, that is a one of a kind piece that nobody else will ever be able to acquire. And then if you're able to make them both work symbiotically, that's where you've reached. fashion singularity. How did we breeze past the fact that you found those pants at Beacon's Closet? Who is dropping off those at Beacon's Closet? I don't know. They were like $50. Who is happy with the amount of money they give you for a pair of $1,200 pants at Beacon's Closet? That sounds like a DMT addict unloading to get a little more. They seem to have never been ever worn and fit me perfectly. How much did you get them for, you said? $50? $50, yeah. Fuck me in the arse. Beacon's Closet is the seventh layer of hell. going to places like that i can't go it's really horrible that's amazing that's a great find that's amazing yeah that's amazing that's good yeah um i guess speaking of party all night i i noticed a reference in your book that is in a similar vibe and it's something that i would like to see also handwritten on a t-shirt that you wear in a sharpie the reference was to the black eyed pea song don't funk with my heart Yeah, I love the Black Eyed Peas. And I would like to see if you could just kind of speak more on what that song means to you or just that phrase. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down.

the news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world and i know you particularly have quite a lot of questions a lot of questions but how often because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot how many times do they do three times a week and i i have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do that's just a guess the guardian is not some billionaire owned They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. Hi, Talk House Network listeners. It's your old friend, Nels Klein from Wilco here. Wilco is touring this summer, and we'd love to see you somewhere on the road. We're playing shows this June and July in Rochester Hills, Michigan, Chautauqua, New York, Lafayette, New York, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Vienna, Virginia, Forest Hills, New York, Portland, Maine, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Memphis, Tennessee, LaGrange, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Wheeling, West Virginia, and Columbus, Ohio. Plus, there are even more dates, some with Willie Nelson that I didn't even mention here. So please go to wilkoworld.net to see the full list of dates. We'll see you on the road this summer. So good, so good, so good. Everything you want for summer is at Nordstrom Rack stores now and up to 60% off. Stock up and save on the brands you love, like Vince, Sam Edelman, Frame, and Free People. Join the Nordiclub to unlock exclusive discounts, shop new arrivals first, and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. I think it's sexy as hell and true. I love the Bach I've used. When I was in...

When I was in middle school, it was the like the energy never dies era of the black eyed views. And I'm half Jewish. So that was like all the bar mitzvahs. So it was just like spiritually really important to me. So you spent most of your teen years getting retarded. Yeah, for sure. Okay. And could you could you clarify how the word funk is spelled? E-H-U-N-K. Thank you. Where did you grow up? Which part of the Northeast? I'm from Schenectady, New York. Oh, I knew that, and I wanted you to, because I can't say that word. I've never been able to say it. Imagine being like five, and you have to learn how to spell your accountant's name, and that's it. Schenectady. Yeah. Okay, and it's like upstate. Is that a Jewish joke? What? Being five and having to learn how to spell your accountant's name? No, that's what you have to do when you're in elementary school. You have to spell your town's name. Did you say elementary? Yeah, I have an upstate accent. That's not upstate accent. That is some other shit. That is some other grapes. Smoke a cigarette. Elementary school? I'm going to try that again. I'm going to try that in my life and see if I can get away with it. I didn't know you were Siciliana. That's beautiful. I'm not. Upstate New York, I was just there. For the very first time in December. Jason, this is a very different upstate New York. Were you like in Hudson? Yeah, that's a very different. When I was a kid, that's like where white people did heroin. And now it's like where gay guys have vacation homes. That's true. But isn't Schenectady. Yes. And I love the cross section of the two. Isn't Schenectady, though, a place where people still do heroin or no? Yeah, I'm from like the nice part, which is like where like the G-E-R-N-D is, which is like pretty. But yeah, since she's like kind of always been down on its luck, I would say. Down on its luck. Wow, you're from a hardscrabble town is what you're saying. I mean, I'm from the nice part, so no. But yes. Okay, so when you said, no, honey, Hudson is where people used to do heroin. The place that you grew up was worse than that?

Um, I do like probably the same. Okay. Okay. Lateral move. Upstate New York is pretty awful. It's really depressing. Like, it's just like some of the saddest towns you've ever seen. It's somehow more, even when you go to like South Georgia, which is where I'm, you know, I'm from Atlanta. So I've been to South Georgia many times. It's like a different, upstate New York is like a different kind of depressing. It's like a different kind of, I can't explain it. It makes me feel bad. It's really bleak. It's bleak. It's bleakiosity. Well, I think post-COVID is what really changed a lot of the, you know, having been there for two days in my entire life, let me speak on your hometown. But I feel like now that everyone is sort of post-going out, sheltering in place, loving to stream at home in comfy clothes, the upstate lifestyle has become a lot more intriguing and it's become... I live here and I go into the city on the weekends versus I live in the city and go upstate on the weekends. Have you noticed that? Yeah, it just really hasn't affected Schenectady, I would say. But I also feel like my parents basically did that, but they just did it in the early 90s. Because how far is it? It's far from the city, though. Yeah, it's like three hours, but my parents are from New York. Oh, I see, I see. Okay, so excuse me. Wow, don't flex on us like that. Wait, let me guess. Are your parents intellectuals, too? yeah they're really smart but they're not like they don't like work in the arts or anything they don't think for a living is what you're saying i mean they kind of do but like just not in the same way that i do like feral girl summer vibes no they're kind of like normal like feral parents okay that's cool that they're you know you can't like talk to them like one of your friends no my parents like reading my book was like really an incredibly funny experience for me why did you let them do that Well, because they were like, oh, wow, your book is coming out, and it's with a big publisher. We have to see what's going on. And I was like, no, stop, don't do that. And then eventually they forced me to let them read it. I mean, it's going to happen, of course. You're going to read your kid's book, especially if it is from a prominent publisher, right? Yeah, especially if it's like a nympho sex memoir. What was the feedback from Pops on this? Did you think he comprehended it fully? I think he was like, there's a lot of sex in that.

Uh, but also it was really proud of me. Okay. That's good. And you, you were like, dad, none of this is pulled from like personal experience. You let him know that up front. Yeah. I was like, it's, it's a novel. This is fiction. Yeah. All that come is fake dad. Don't worry. Yeah. I mean, I think it must be a very freeing feeling. Like you, I feel like at that point you've reached like true adulthood when you've written a book that, that graphic and your parents read it. and we all can live and wake up the next day and life is normal again versus like we need to have a talk missy there's like none of that's going on you know yeah yeah no my parents like read about all the ass eating in my book and they were like well can't do anything about this well all this ass it is what it is honey i don't really know what to tell you you're saying the ass eating sections they're making it in this is the final copy and you were like yes this is it this is kind of what we're going to press with yeah before publishing Was there anything that the editor was like, no, we can't put this in. It's too gnarly. Or did it all make it? Like more or less it all made it. I feel like the stuff my editor was like, she was like, we need like, like she, I love my editor. She was just like her notes that she wanted. We're just like, this character is so crazy. Can you like find ways to that way? We have any idea what she's actually thinking about. It wasn't like, can you have anal sex? It was more of just like, can you make this good instead of can you make this offensive? Yeah, exactly. And that's what another is for. And you describe yourself as a hardcore sentence freak. Do you listen to, do you like, is it more in like the reading sense or? Both. Or is it more in like the audio? Okay, it's both. Yeah, like I love Joanna Newsom like so much. Oh, I haven't heard that in a while. Haven't heard that in a while. So you're the one. So don't you think that it's weird that she married Andy Samberg? Yeah, what's up with that?

I mean, like, they've been through there for a while. Like, clearly something is working, but I just, like, don't get it. She should have just, like, married Bill Callahan. Well, I would say he's a sentence freak as well. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, have you seen Jizz in My Pants? There's a lot of bars in there. I would say that Dick in the Box stands up against any Joanna Newsom song. Yeah, the chronic What Calls of Narnia. I forgot about chronic What Calls of Narnia. That one, I mean, like I said. So bad. Jizz in My Pants is my favorite one just because I'm a fan of Pet Shop Boys and New Order, so it has a lot of that. You feel like it's doing that for you? I couldn't hate anything more than that stuff. I hate it. I hate parody songs. I don't think it's funny. I don't get it. I really don't get it. You don't like Weird Al? No, it's not funny. Nothing's funny. That's what I don't understand. I watch all this stand-up. None of it's funny. Do you like Adam Sandler voice? That's the worst. The worst. I basically agree with you. I don't really support stand-up as an art form. I watched some last night. I was like, you know what? Chelsea Handler, she's wearing a fucking jumpsuit and sneakers. Let me check her out. And it's just abysmal. Yeah, I feel like all that stuff is so tight. Or whatever. Say that one more time, please. It's like, my place is so tight. It's like all of it. You're not wrong. Honestly, you're not wrong. She made a joke about how big 50 cents dick was compared to Joe Coy, her other ex. And I was like, yeah, no shit. No shit. For sure. That's not funny because it's obvious. Okay. Now I know what I'm watching tonight. Yeah. You don't, Sophie, you don't strike me as a standup lover, but you like to laugh. I love to laugh. So do you, so we don't support standup as an art form, but what about when like a bunch of fucking. trust fund kids take over a burger king to read their poems what do you think about that form of stand-up i also don't support that no we gotta stop we gotta stop that shit i i can't unless it's sanctioned by some sort of literary magazine and dean kissick's involved the rest of it i don't even know about that i don't want a gorilla reading can't save him at this point chris that's what we're saying i don't think so i don't like a i don't like a a gorilla reading

Like, that is crazy to me. Yeah, I don't really like going to readings, even though I go to them basically all the time. Are you forced to participate? Do you go then? Yeah, is it a social thing? Do you feel... Well, it's usually like I have one friend reading, and then it's like insanely rude to leave early, so I just get stuck there. I disagree, and I think this is something you should learn from me, if nothing else, today. Leave whenever you want. No one actually cares. But when you go to a stand-up comedy show, it's a dark room. You sit in the back. You can kind of slink out in between people when you're clapping. When you're at a Burger King on 14th Street with the fucking fluorescent lights overhead, everyone knows when you leave. Yeah, it's a little awkward. So it's a little bit more difficult. Another win for stand-up. And I can keep going all night. Well, maybe I should get, I rejected from every improv tree about Oberlin. So I feel like it's kind of coming from a personal place for me. How would you, how would you describe your personal style when you were at Oberlin? Thanks for asking. I had like a purple bowler hat I wore all the time. Okay. like doc martens with ribbons and then like like i did not like i was like not interested in looking sexy at all i looked like fucking crazy were you a lesbian at the time or no yeah i was okay cool i had a feeling i had a feeling maybe that had so when you said doc martens with ribbons it's a certain kind of sort of tori amos whimsical lesbian that i was imagining yeah exactly it's just kind of like oh like like hang out with my girlfriend let's need a vampire weekend Let's scissor to vampy weeks. Walk me through your eyebrow story through the years. I've always had eyebrows, and then, like, last year, my friend who looks kind of like me bleached her eyebrows off, and then she was like, do you want to also do this? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. I've sort of always had eyebrows. Okay. Well, I consider the eyebrow bleaching or shaving to be – it's interesting to me. To cry for help? Not necessarily a cry for help, but it has like a some type of specific undertone to it that I can't identify. And I was hoping you might be able to learn some insight. Well, I kind of did it because I think it makes me look like if Shelley Duvall had Jewish blood.

Fair enough. And honestly, you're not wrong about that comparison. I see it. So I feel like it kind of was bringing me to that place, but I'm actually growing them out right now because I was bored of it. Do you think Jason or I look like anyone? Does anyone come to mind when you look at our faces? I'm not really good at that kind of thing. Okay. Whoever you guys think you look like, you look like. That's so sick. Thank you. Because Brad Pitt, I do hear a lot. So it's really nice of you to say. If that's what feels true to you, then it's true. No, actually, two times in the last decade, a kind of older black woman that worked at a rental car place in Atlanta did say that to me. And I've kind of stuck with it since then. Wow. Yeah, I know. Went back when you had hair. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, somebody sent me a photo. It's like a photo of Bruce Willis in the 80s. Demi Moore and it was a side profile and it was almost the exact same physiognomy as you, Chris. I'll take Bruce. Bruce Wilson is prime. Legendary stick man. Famous rich actor. I'll take it. Grizzled good looks. You don't want to look like aphasia Bruce Willis. No, I don't want to look like that. I don't want to look like that. But I'm praying for Bruce, honestly. He's one of our greats, kind of. I think he was underappreciated. I think those guys have to do some bad stuff as they get older to earn money because their lifestyle is so expensive. The cigar budget, the Harley budget. Yeah, it's like they got three ex-wives. They got a bunch of kids. It's too much shit to pay for. They got to go do a movie that's a little right-leaning. I don't blame him for that. Yeah, it's fine. I think that Wendy Williams doesn't have... is actually fine. I think Wendy Williams is 100% fine. Free Wendy is what you're saying. Yeah, I feel like I've become a real Wendy Williams shooter recently. No, I think the world has come around to that, but do you think Britney should be under conservatorship? I do. Um, I don't think that there's, I don't think that she should, but like, she's like not, there's like something deeply wrong with her for sure. Okay. Okay. So there's, there's maybe not conservatorship, but something should. Do you have, do you have a plan, a path to success for Brittany? Have you considered what she, what, what would work? Well, I'm really enjoying all those videos of her on Instagram where she's in her leopard print thong dancing to R&B. Okay. So you're saying that's not a, that's not a cry for help. That's just classic. It is. It is. It is a cry for help.

But I am enjoying it. So even though it is a sign of declining mental and physical health and safety, you're still clapping along and enjoying it. I'm still watching all of them and enjoying it. She's an entertainer at the end of the day. Yeah. The quality of those videos is what's interesting to me. It does seem sort of like an Afghani kidnapping kind of grease on the lens. You know what I mean? That I don't understand because I'm sure Britney Spears and her assistant have an iPhone 16. Like, I'm sure the quality is pretty good. Yeah, it doesn't look good. There's something off about it, but I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe one day we'll learn, but probably not right now. I thought she was going to die. I think Justin Bieber is going to die soon. Yeah, his Lyme disease. I haven't heard that angle. I've never put Lyme disease in my pipe and smoked it, but I guess you can. I think he has Lyme disease. I also know that he famously had conjunctivitis, which he posted about on Instagram. I'm not familiar with that. If you could fill me in, doctor. I know that word. Well, it just means pink eye. Okay, so it's a wordy way to say pink eye. It's the medical term. It's a medical term for pink eye. I feel like Justin's had it a few times. Yeah, I think he has pink eye all the time from smoke. Yeah. You know, kind of going in there. That's what you do. This is why I don't share my blunts anymore. Did you stop? No, I just don't share. That's nice. I have a by myself meeting. How many boyfriends have you had, Sophie? I guess it kind of depends, but I think I had like four serious boyfriends and then like countless not serious boyfriends. Sure. Okay. What constitutes the difference? Is it just the amount of time? Yeah. Like monogamous relationship. Okay. How many of those were in high school? None. I was a virgin until I was almost 19. Flex. That's cool, actually, because these high school guys aren't worth it anyway, you know? I would have. I was so down, but none of them interested me. So I became a lesbian for a couple of years. Okay. The lesbian thing wasn't a joke. You really did become a lesbian. Yeah. I like, I'm, I'm also not like a, like a fake lesbian, like a date woman, but not that often. Okay. Okay. So you're, are you upset that that's kind of trendy now or do you feel like you started it?

I don't think I started it, but I think that a lot of these people are not actually, they're just saying it because they think that it makes them seem interesting. Oh, I agree completely. So you're a bi-truther. Yeah, I just think that it needs to be gatekeeped. I think that you can't identify as bisexual unless you've had sex with a woman. I agree. Lucy Dacus and Julian Baker. I don't believe it. You don't believe it? No, I believe it, but I don't believe it. I don't think they like it. Yeah. Totally. You know what I mean? I think they're doing it, and it's working for the purpose they're trying to do it for, but I don't think they like it. They're in a press relationship. It's something along those lines. I don't think that they're big enough for someone to actually engineer it. You know what I mean? We heard a great rumor, actually, and I want to break this here on How Long Gone. Speaking of celebrities, I want to tell you what you think about this. Okay. Yeah, this is big. So we've heard from a credible source yesterday. Really cool that you're going to be here for this, Sophie. I'm really excited. This is a How Long Gone exclusive. That Michelle Obama is in a sexual relationship with comedian Kumail. I don't know who that is. Kumail Nanjiani. Oh, yeah. Kumail Nanjiani famously got buff on steroids to play Amar, went from nerd to hunk, and now he is apparently piping the first lady. I know that Barack is with Jennifer Aniston, but I guess that's old news. Well, see, this is the whole thing. This is why this came up. Barack is piping Aniston, and they're trying to spin it like she's dating Pedro Pascal, known gay man. Yeah. You know, known. He's gay as hell. Pedro Pascal had a three hour dinner. I'm not falling for that child. Yeah. He had a three hour dinner with Jennifer Aniston at Sunset Tower because they're trying to run interference on the Brock story. You don't believe it for a second, right, Sophie? No. I feel pretty confident. I have a really good source for that. Oh, really? So you're saying that I have a good source for Kumail and Michelle, and you have a good source for Jennifer and Barack. Absolutely. Who's your Barack Obama source? It's just a friend of mine who's the most well-connected person I've ever met. I believe it. She's always saying that she has connections on the Hill.

Caitlin Phillips? So Caitlin Phillips leaked the talk about war. I knew it was her. She's in all the signal chats. It's another glamorous woman that works in media. That's okay. I believe you because I want to believe, but do you think it's bad optics for Barack to go snow bunny mode? Do you think that's bad for him or do you think that's kind of showing his range? I don't really think I have a comma on that. Okay, you're lost. I mean, I think it's interesting. As a fellow snow bunny, you're too close to it. You're in the eye of the bunny storm. You're like, I don't talk about other snow bunnies. We do not do that. That's kind of the rule. Okay, well, I guess the other part is Kumail is currently married and has been married to his wife for kind of a long time, and they famously broke out. Because they wrote a movie together called The Big Sick where she had a disease in real life and they got through it together. Yeah, I saw that film. I'm going to go fuck Big Mike. I think that they're swinging. Yeah, do you think it's an open, right? Yeah. No, no, no. It's no. It's a classic. You just think it's cheating? No, it's a classic. We stayed together because of tragedy. We don't actually like each other. And it benefited us to be together. You can't leave someone when they have cancer or whatever. You know what I mean? Watch me, bitch. You can't leave someone if they're doing drone strikes in the Middle East. Yeah, exactly. You can't do that. You can't do that. Hold my beer. I'll do it. Jennifer, can you turn the TV down? But also, you know, there's certain things where it's like, would you do blank for the story? And it's like, babe, would you let me fuck our most beloved president of our generation for the story? You know, it's kind of, it's just to hear what it's like. You know, what was this house like? You know? No. You know, stuff like that. I think stuff like that is not real. I don't feel like people actually do stuff like that. I don't think people are. People definitely do stuff like that. Do stuff like what?

I'm saying, no, I don't think that anyone that's married is like, yeah, you can go fuck the former president so I can hear about it. No, it's fake. That's fake. That's invented by Hollywood. That's a hill pass when you fuck a politician. You're right, you're right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, but I guess it's different because everyone will like, you know, all these NPCs in the world will say like, oh, my hall pass is blah, blah, blah. And it's like, cool, you, you know, you work at a... 7-Eleven in Wisconsin, I don't think you're ever going to really come face-to-face with Dua Lipa or whoever it may be. But when you are an Aniston or a Kumail and you are in these inner circles... Let's not put Kumail in the same category as Aniston. Of course not, but you know... They're both invited to the Hollywood cookout. That's true. Harley Pasternak is training them both. They're getting all the formulas and all the wristbands and biometer trackings. They have the ability, they have the access to cross that lawn and do the unthinkable. Sophie, do you have a hill pass? No. Who are some of the most fuckable politicians out right now? I don't know. Let me think for a second. Take your time, hon. Don Jr.? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, J.D. J.D.? No, honestly, J.D.'s wife is really hot. J.D.'s wife is hot, and it's a problem when women like that marry guys like him because it gives him this otherworldly confidence that he should not possess. Yeah, he should not be with Usha Vance. It's like too hot for him. It's true. It's like, what's her name? It's like Huma. What's her name? Huma that dated the guy who got in trouble for jerking off. Not Louis C.K. Jeffrey Toobin? Not Jeffrey Toobin. Not Jeffrey Toobin. We could keep going. Huma's Toobin Ufa? We could keep going. I feel like I have like Kadma Lakshmi and then like Salman Rushdie, kind of like famous like what's going on there. I saw him recently at a restaurant. Salman Rushdie? Yeah. You got to be careful. The Fatwa is still active.

So I'm glad I wasn't sitting that close to him. I think so, yeah. Chris was out of the splash zone. I was out of the splash zone. I was, luckily, he was having his... To borrow a water park term. He was having his frog legs across the restaurant from me. Where were you at? Les Vaudors. Oh, nice. I was taking some adult education French classes over there. What do you mean by that? The fuck is that? Yeah, I was taking as if the Allianz Francaise was taking French class. It's across the street from the Vodorm. Okay. Are you taking French class because you love their historic culture, or do you have a reason beyond? I lived in Paris for a little bit, and I feel like my French is bad. Okay, Audrey Hepburn, go off. Okay. I'm bad, so I want to be good again. Is this a riffraff shell? Yeah. Yes. Give us a few bars. Are you glad that you learned French instead of Spanish? I feel like it would be way more useful if I knew Spanish because I live in New York. I know like Subway Spanish. I've never heard that term before. It's my favorite TikTok show. Subway text in Espanol. I just feel like it's like, sorry, my cat's out. Okay, sorry. You know what, Sophie? I'm going to say this. I'm not shocked that you have a cat. Yeah. If I'm keeping it a sack. Yeah, I have a cat. Does this cat have a normal name or is it a peculiar one? It's a peculiar name. Go on. Please, please. It's not Nadja, but I just call her Nodge. Notch. N-A-D-J-A? Yeah. I'll fuck with that. Okay. What is that derived from? It's from a Breton novel from the 1920s about a sad prostitute. That is a much better answer than I thought you were going to give for that. It's a little too highbrow, but it's okay because she's really dumb, so it kind of evens out. It's like running to the wall and stuff like that. Yeah. Not just a little cross-eyed. Yeah. How much did you get for your advance? A lot. Congratulations. Did you buy anything? Was there a purchase? Big ticket item?

I bought a couple of plane tickets to Paris at this point and then some clothing items for sure. I bought the Vaquera underwear skirt. Vaquera is not expensive enough to classify as a big purchase. Before that, I was a 26-year-old and had no savings. Spending $300 on an item of clothing to me was baffling. Is this a one-book deal or do we got to do two? That's a one book deal. Oh, nice. Okay. But I have the option. So hopefully my book does well and I get to do it again. I'm looking at this underwear skirt right now. It is a literal. It's very literal in that. Jason and I were going to approach you about acquiring the rights to turn it into a podcast, but I guess that's totally. Then you, I can put you in touch with, I have like five agents. You can talk to several agents. Sure. I would love to talk to all, if we could get all five on zoom, that'd be great. I kind of, are you CAA WME? Where are you at? Gersh. Gersh. Gersh. I thought Gersh was a little more Hollywood. Well, that's my film and TV. And then my literary is Sterling Lord. Okay, so we're trying to sell this bad boy. We're trying to get this to be a neon motion picture, is what you're saying? Absolutely. It seems like a book that would be very easily adaptable. Yeah, if it was rated NC-17. I don't know how we're going to get past some of that stuff. Who's starring? Also, too much interior monologue. I don't know. Maybe someone who's a gorgeous girl. Like a really hot chick? Yeah. I didn't know if you had an idea, maybe, of who. I feel like Talia Ryder. Talia Ryder? Who? Talia Ryder. Yeah. I don't know who that is. That's not bad. She's not famous enough. I don't want her to be famous. I like her. I love the sweet yeast. Talia Ryder. I'm not mad at that. I'm not mad at that. But I don't know about a director. I just feel like it has to be her. So you think this book would be easily adaptable? Absolutely not. I was thinking about it, and I was like, this would have to be casino because there's so much interior monologue, but it would be really bad. It wouldn't work. You told your agent before you signed, you're like, look, I don't think this works at all, but if you want to take a shot at it, go for it. I would love it if someone bought my film on TV rights. I think it would be an amazing movie, but it would have to be a full rewrite.

Okay, would you want to participate? So there's some good bones here, but it is a disaster in terms of screenplay. Would you want to participate in this, or would you want to hand it over? I think I would want to participate, for sure. I want to be in the room. I want to feel that energy. See, that's problematic, I think. Wait, are you a teacher? Is that real? Yeah, I do. I teach at Columbia. What do you teach? I teach undergraduate creative writing. Okay, so you got these rich little freaks coming in thinking they're going to be the next big thing, and you have to kind of keep them in check. I love my students. I have nothing bad to say about them. There's no way you love your students. 20-year-olds are awful. Who's your least favorite student? Call them out. Yeah, full name, please. They're all perfect. Are you teaching them more creativity than the writing part? I feel like your gift is really helping some. You know, some squares turn into more oblong shapes, perhaps. I think that my main note is I'm like, this could be weirder. And they're all getting really excited. Yeah, yeah. Great. This could be weirder. How much are my parents paying for this bullshit? Yeah, I don't really know why anyone takes a creative writing class. I'm just like, I don't even know if it should exist. Like, I love it. Like, I love teaching. Well, don't say that, Sophie. I mean, you'd be out of a job. Yeah, exactly. I love teaching. I'm just like, I hope that they're getting something out of it. Well, to me, it's interesting because it... I see somebody like you and you're a unique creature and you have a bit of a born this way. You can't teach whatever's going on with you energy, yet that is your job teaching that. So is that something that you try to weigh with or is that something where you've like learned like the literal process of teaching a normal person how to be more creative? I think that like what I do is just like teach writing and I think I'm like good at teaching writing. Like, I think I can, like, teach somebody how to be a better writer. Okay. And now that you are published by a real publisher, are you able to ask for a raise? Or maybe tenure? No. I don't really think that. Columbia, I think, I'm under the impression that, like, tenure, like, someone has to, like, die. It's like a Supreme Court vacancy. How many...

Are there any famous professors right now or no? The people were famous to me, but I don't know. Okay. Scott Galloway? Ever heard of him, Chris? I don't think Scott Galloway. Taking Scott Galloway's classes is a true waste of money, but I don't think. Isn't he at NYU? I don't know who that is. Same diff. He's like a finance bro podcaster guy. He was on the show a while ago. Oh, cool. He either teaches. at nyu or columbia i don't remember which one but yeah we're not in the same department he teaches guys how to how to be better you know they got to get out of the crisis i could i could do that i believe i could i think i have a lot to learn from you personally i think you did do that with this book i hope that guys get tips from it what are there tips in it yeah definitely what if you could maybe some of the top line tips don't don't treat women awfully Um, I think like, it's mostly like, like you should probably tell your girlfriend to start taking bovine growth hormone. That's a tip. That is a tip. If you smoke, smoke more crack. That, that is actually, that is, that is a cool tip. Yeah. Smoke a little, put a little crack in that. But you've never, but you've never smoked crack. I've never, I've never smoked crack before. I've done like no drugs. That feels like nefarious advice from someone who hasn't used before. How do you respond? I don't know. I just think that people know what works for them, and, like, for me, I just think it would be hot if a guy smoked crack. Even though, is part of that hotness knowing that his life is sort of being destroyed and he's okay with it? Yeah, definitely. But is it because you could save him? Like, you want to drive him to rehab? No. Do you know that song, Who's Got the Crack by the Moldy Peaches? I'm proud to say I've never listened to a Moldy Peaches song. That was not for me, but I'm familiar with the band. Well, I just like that song, so maybe like that. Well, you are a quintessential Moldy Peaches listener, I'll tell you that. I like cool music too, I just also need Moldy Peaches. I think some people think Moldy Peaches are cool, not people I know. Moldy Peaches are cooler than many, many, many bands. Well, they're cool because they've never had a good song, and that is what makes you cool kind of thing? No, I don't think they have good songs, I just don't think they're cool. I like that movie The Guy Made of...

uh the wrong Ferrari starring Macaulay Culkin okay what what other music are you listening to um I don't know just like good music mostly yeah same I couldn't agree more with that actually I couldn't agree more with that I didn't know if you had any other um interesting indie leaning taste because I it would be cooler to me if you were like I like Elton John you know or whatever um I love Led Zeppelin Okay, that's actually pretty cool. I used to be a pitchfork writer. Oh, I know. That's why I'm asking you. It's kind of the only reason why you're on the pod, Sophie. There's many famous reviews, but I feel like the music could be literally anything. You don't give a shit about what the music is. Totally. You're not doing much. You're just listening and then writing. You're not doing much research beforehand. I feel like I do a little research, but, you know, there was a period of time where I was writing, like, 30 pitch work reviews a year, and I can't say that I was doing a lot of research for those ones. 30 a year, and those pay, what, $25 each, so you're not really coming away. Something like that, yeah. You're not coming away with a lot. Okay, I'm going through right now. You did the Chanel Beads album, which we're both big fans of. I love that record. I thought it was really good. We got a 7.6. Not bad. But just to be clear, the way that the point system works is by committee. You merely write the... That's not how it works. You give them the number? I'm not going to... I can't say what's in the secret sauce. She can't pull back the curtain. Why? Who cares? I'm not... Well, because then Jeremy will send me a text being like, don't talk about that on a podcast. I thought they at least tried to spin a story about it, but I guess it's... Yeah, that is the story that there's been, but it's not true. Okay. That's good. I mean, look, that's an answer in itself, really. Yeah. I have to be honest. I don't really read Pitchfork reviews. I merely look at the number. Yeah. I mean, I don't really read Pitchfork anymore because I don't really write music criticism anymore. Yeah. I look at it for news stuff, but I find that the number and the...

Like a lot of reviews, the number and the actual body of text can feel very different, I guess. Yeah, totally. I mean, a lot of the body of the text is bad. Have any relationships, friendships, or bridges been burned after you've reviewed something? Yeah, definitely. But I can't get into that here. It's a secret. I know. I don't want you to. I do. What do you mean? Which band hates you? Did Jack White punch you? 10TrixPointNever will not text me back. Yeah, I reviewed one of his records unfavorably, so not impossible. Okay, that was my lucky guess. Not impossible that he wouldn't text me back. It's not impossible. Twin Shadow doesn't send you the Christmas card anymore. Twin Shadow doesn't let me ride on the back of his motorcycle when I'm in L.A. That record really sucked. Sorry. I love how you're like, and I'm not going to get into that, and I just named two, and you're like, that sucks. That record sucks. Actually, I was thinking, I was talking to my wife a couple days ago, and we were talking about how, like, country music has really taken over and how, like, stagecoach is more important than Coachella now in a lot of ways. And how, like, in, like, a get-down or lay-down kind of way, like, are we going to adapt to the new? country norm, or are we going to keep pushing against it? And I was thinking Father John Misty should play at Stagecoach this year instead of Coachella. Does that make more sense? That seems like a natural thing for him to do, and that would really surprise me that much. I agree. I think that's a good idea. I would rather go to Stagecoach than Coachella. I don't even know what stagecoach is. It's country Coachella, but, like, cool. Like, literally the same thing in the same place, and arguably bigger. They do it the weekend after Coachella. They already have all the equipment and stages set up, and then they just bring in, like, Jelly Roll and Luke and Zach and, you know, all these huge country names, and they just play. And then Diplo does a rodeo. And they make like 10 times more money. I wouldn't want to go to that, but I don't really go to music festivals. I have one last note and question. Your character in the book, or the character in the book, was in high school Googling pictures of Alexa Chung and lots of boys on websites. And I wanted to know what boys you were Googling back then. I was pretty into accidentally participating in child pornography on chat roulette at that time.

Please expand on that, my friend. Well, I was kind of not sexually viable as a teenager, even though I look basically the same as I did, just kind of like an adult version. But I really wanted to do stuff, so I just would go on chat roulette all the time and sex guys. When you say I was not sexually viable, what does that mean exactly to you? Um, well, I was like kind of social poison at my high school, like was like kind of people who were being bullied who they would bully would be me. because it wasn't really a school where there were alts, and also I was just kind of a little autistic or something. You don't say. Come on now. I'm glad that we're able to laugh and have a good, positive, healthy attitude about this. Your scars tell a story. It was a pretty bad time. I was listening to Animal Collective on my iPod Touch and sitting alone in a hallway eating a turkey sandwich my mom made me. That sounds like Jason's dream day now, but I can understand how maybe that's bad in high school. And you're kind of like doing like a Stevie Wonder dance in your head to the hypnotic rhythm. Listening to brother sport and like wearing like a tutu. Oh, wow. I can see it now. Let's get you to bed, Sophie, okay? Over here. I was more so speaking of what boys were you crushing on in your I want to be Alexa Chung era of 2009 or 12 or whatever that was. 2010 through 2014. What famous people did I have a crush on? Like Michael Cera. Wow, that's exactly right. That is exactly right. How do you feel about Sarah's transformation into a man? Yay or nay? Yeah, nobody likes that. Thumbs down, okay. Yeah, I liked him when he was on Arrested Development. So sexy. So sexy, she says. Okay, so Diplo doesn't have a chance, but Michael Cera, let's go.

Yeah, if you mess with Michael Cera. Yeah, sure. Which is good. I mean, there's a lock for every key, as they say. So all of you Cera-looking motherfuckers out there, don't give up. There's women out there for you. Some good pussy around the corner. Sophie Kemp's new book, Paradise Logic, is available everywhere. Thank you for doing the show with us today. Thanks for having me. Great. You have to do other stuff, and it's not going to be as fun as this. I'm telling you now. I've done a ton of crafts, and this is the most fun. Okay, good. I'm glad to hear that Terry Gross disappointed yet again. Even if you're alone, I'll take it. Thank you. We'll see you later. Okay, bye guys. Crack a Cayman Jack margarita with real lime, blue agave nectar, and real margarita taste. Taste your escape. Cayman Jack, America's number one margarita. Cayman Jack is a premium malt beverage with flavors. Please drink responsibly. Cayman Jack Beverage Company, Chicago, Illinois.