294. - Hayes Davenport

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. How long gone? Big shout out to me. Chris Black is also here. We were just talking before we hit the record button. Wait, you said using a heater is a feminine trait or being cold is a feminine trait? I mean, one leads to the other, so I would say both are feminine traits. Okay. When was the last time you were cold? I couldn't tell you, Jason. I mean, maybe when I... Who is in office? Nixon? I mean, it could have been when I came out of my mother's womb, you know, and it's a little chilly and they put the little baby beanie on you. That's probably the last time I can remember. Yeah, well, I get cold all the time. I know, but we've talked about this. It's because you have circulation issues because of your size and stature. Yeah. But I've been beefing up and I have been actively and proactively trying to acclimate myself with winter's chill. I have been getting up and getting after it in the early a.m. I'm like, you know what? It's like Arc'teryx puffer and sweatpants, camber sweatpants time. And I said, no, shorts. There we go. real man i talked to hunter about this i'm like bro i don't want to see you coming to a session with with sweatpants on like we're real men here to lift like shorts only bro he said he said you know what chris now i hear you when it's chilly in the morning i hear you in my head and i don't put the sweats on i love real men

Comma, shorts only. Yeah, exactly. That's a platform. One pair of one clothing item often referred to as whatever the opposite of a man is. A boy wears shorts. Well, a lot of people are part of the anti-shorts consortium, and I just find that to be silly, but those people also probably don't live in a desert-like climate. where it is 74 degrees on January 27th. So suck it, losers. I think they were just raised in a household that doesn't believe in showing a little leg. And that's not their fault, necessarily. It's their toxic family upbringing. And those are some roots that are tough to pull up. Take it from me. Thank God that my father wears shorts year-round, even when the temperatures dip, because he raised me to be a real man. And that's why I'm so well-adjusted. And he looks good, too. He looked good, too. Speaking of dads and shorts, you know, at what point, you know when you see the kind of older guy wearing shorts and the legs start, you know, the legs, even if you are in good shape, they kind of start to look a little funky. You know what I mean? You get some weird, a little vein, you know, some deformation. You know, it could be any type of ailment, you know, maybe some spots. Your leg hairline is getting fucked up. Oh, man. Basically, the question I'm asking is, at what year, at what age is that going to happen to us? Well, unfortunately, I think that usually, when you get up there in years, your caring level also goes down. Did you say caring or carrying? Caring. Not the luxury group, K-E-R-I-N-G. Not the caring. Okay, okay. Or caring as in caring about. someone's emotions no caring about someone's emotions is what i'm talking about so as you get older you give less fucks as they say and therefore you don't really care what your legs look like and you just want to be comfortable and these under armor shorts are staying on okay so when you hit a certain age you start to think to yourself the internal old man dialogue or old person's dialogue you know what i wish a motherfucker would say something about my uh fucked up looking legs

I wish a former Quaker comedian would say my legs look ashy at Ralph's. I dare her to say that to me at 72 years old. You know what I mean? I dare it. You don't want the smoke from an old guy. Old guys rule. You know that, Jason. Old smoke. That's right. I'm worried about more important issues. Speaking of old men, Neil Young. Spotify called his bluff, and I find the whole thing pretty funny. Okay, so Neil Young and Spotify, they said, don't you play that, Joe Rogan, because if you do, we're pulling my whole catalog that I just sold half of it to a publishing company just less than a month ago. Don't do that. Yeah, I just don't understand why people think this is some, like... revelatory move like he's already rich he probably doesn't make that much money from streaming anyway because the people he literally tried to introduce a lossless high fidelity audio player of his own brand because he hates streaming so much yeah he did so he already hated it so it wasn't a big deal that's that's my point he already hated it wasn't a big deal and his old ass fans they don't they don't They don't like it either. Well, I agree with all of this, and it was a little bit foolish, and I don't know if he really thought that it was going to come down to him. Oh, he definitely didn't. He definitely didn't. That's what's so funny. But people also act like, look, Joe Rogan is a fucking bozo, but Joe Rogan didn't, you know, it's like he doesn't care about Neil Young. Neil Young is just saying, like, this platform is bad, and now he's just going to, I'm taking my talents to. title in Sirius XM. He definitely can make more money in doing one state fair concert than an entire year's worth of royalties from Spotify. That is true. But I mean, to play devil's advocate or to see the other side, it's not a large revolutionary act, but it could be a little bit of a...

you know, a tipping point or a catalyst to start the movement. Obviously, he's not going to win this particular battle, but it'll have other people maybe, you know, changing their minds. And after a few years of eventually, you know, because then you get a Neil Young, then you get a newfound glory, then you, you know, smash cut to three years later, then the weekend's pulling it, you know. No pun intended, but it's all downhill from here. No, I think that, but that's the thing. I think that people that make, like, If we talk about the top ten artists that stream on Spotify, they do not give a fuck about any sort of politics. They don't give a fuck about Joe Rogan. Drake ain't pulling songs off Spotify to prove a point. Neil Young is a legacy artist who's like a legend, but he's absolutely not part of the streaming generation. He's not, but he is part of the revolution and the revolutionary kind of... I guess not generation, but he's a revolutionary artist. So if the musical... He was. He still is. There's not much for him to revolt against now. I mean, there's plenty of it for him to revolt against now. That's what he's doing right now. That's what he's doing right now. But earlier, the cyclical waves of revolution-style music come and go as the times pass. When we were youngsters, Neil Young was not on the airwaves, but Rage Against the Machine was. Another fake revolutionary band. They're not fake. And neither is Neil Young. So why isn't... Rage Against the Machine pulling their music from Spotify? Have they already done that? No, because it's all performative bullshit. Tom Morello is busy writing his opinion newsletter for the New York Times. He's not talking to management about where streaming is going. These people are so rich that all this stuff doesn't matter. I agree. It doesn't affect anyone. It doesn't affect anyone. If a Rage Against the Machine does it, Tom Morello does it,

you know, whatever, you know, a Kendrick Lamar does, it starts kind of cascading enough and it's never going to be enough to like make Spotify or whatever, you know, Apple or any other streaming platform that doesn't pay their artists a ton of money. It could move a needle to where something is done, you know, like something preventative is done so that, you know what, like we see where this is going. Maybe we should start renegotiating contracts or we could actually be in some trouble here. I mean, no. And that's – I mean, I think the disparity between like how artists are paid and like doing upfront deals with podcasts, obviously that's like a bigger discussion. You know what I mean? But that just seems like how the – We'll save that for our guests today. How the setup is. But I think that like bottom line is – People want to make money. Everybody just wants to make money however they can. And if you take your music off Spotify and you go to Apple, you don't think you can listen to Screwdriver on Apple? You know what I mean? Like, I mean, whatever. RIP, RIP. One of the guys in Screwdriver just passed. I'm sorry for your loss, Chris. Where does this go? So this leads us back to Pono. Pono? What's that? That's Neil Young's failed. fucking lossless audio service so you everybody's so bad and you're so mad at everyone and they're doing things you don't like so then no one can hear your music or they have to buy vinyl how obnoxious can you be like it's just it's all so stupid like everyone is losing in this so everyone so your your general sentiment everyone that the death is already upon us the resistance is futile give up now and at least you know have a little fun with it Try to get a six pack before. Yeah, bro. I mean, I just think this is a battle he's not going to win, but he's also 85 years old. So he's like, I don't care. He has nothing to lose. The stakes are absolutely zero for him. Well, just because, you know, and because he is so old, maybe he is sacrificing his body for the future, you know, for the future fighters. He knew he's going to lose this battle. That's right. He's still putting it on the line like so many old heads in movies, you know. You go on without me. You do it.

You keep fighting. Saving private TJ is Neil Young's dragging you to the medic tent with that. You got a wound in your calf. No, I mean, I just think no one wins in this, and it's just like a debate on the Internet that is meaningless. But I do think that I don't think Spotify cares. I don't even really think Neil Young cares. I think that it's all. You know, everybody's doing what they have to do to stay in the conversation. And, you know, I can't blame Neil Young for that. But luckily, I never listened to his music anyway. So this doesn't really affect me. Get busy living or get busy dying. Neil Young is going to pass away soon. No, 100 percent. But I mean, I don't listen to his music, but I do have every album on vinyl. So that's fine. Check my discogs because I'm going to unload these in my own protest. You know what I'm saying, Jason? I'm protesting not being able to stream Neil Young on my Spotify application in my car. Damn, am I going to put... What is that song? Southern Man? Southern Man! Southern Man's a classic. I mean, Crazy Horse. I should start calling you Crazy Horse. That'd be a cool nickname for you. I like that. Okay, okay. I'm pony-like in certain qualities of the way my body... sit you're more of a mr ed type beat but i could i could do it this way but we do we do have a guest sam sorry yeah this is this is hayes davenport he uh he's a podcaster he's done a podcast called hollywood handbook with another guy sean for for a number of years he's been in the comedy game writing on a bunch of tv shows He went to Harvard, was the editor of the Harvard Lampoon over there. Yeah, I didn't know this motherfucker went to Harvard. Now my attitude changed a little bit. I'm like, oh, we got an elite podcaster, great. But this guy is actually just elite. That's good. Yeah, so that's a win for you. A loss for you is that I believe he cares about his local community. So that's going to be tough for you. Has he said that on the record or are you just assuming that? No, I just... I know that. He's involved in local Los Angeles civic politics, and he's working on a lot of homelessness issues. Do we have a fucking protester on our hands? We'll see. I don't know if he's going to protest you. Well, he might. If he hears this Neil Young bit, he might be upset. But we'll see. Well, hopefully he doesn't hear that. I think he's a good sport. I've been listening to Hollywood Handbook for a long time, for years and years. Legendary pod. Legendary pod. Good to have an elite podcaster on, and let's see where this...

Will take us. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And, I mean, it... How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app. using promo code HOWLONG. Taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book Trusted Home Help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code HOWLONG with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable. And they're just easy, but, you know, still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. You know, they focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated.

but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions. But how often? Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. Neil Young is publicly traded, and he took a tumble today. Neil Young rang the bell on the New York Stock Exchange this morning. This thing had a bigger idea in mind. I agree with Hayes. I'll say I've been more bullish on Neil earlier. Jason took an L. I'm long on Neil Young. Jason took an L on Sweetgreen, but he's not going to let that happen again with Neil. He's just not going to stand for it. When Sweetgreen IPO'd, I slept through the initial offering.

Because I forgot that the stock exchange is on East Coast time, not Cali time. And that's a mistake that I hopefully won't make again. Tell me how your personal sweet green habits influenced your investing decisions. Because I've found my wife and I... That's a good question. We haven't gone back. There was a couple hard weeks where we ordered sweet green a lot. And we have not. Hard weeks. Okay, when you say hard, what do you mean? Are you saying that the Patreon check didn't come through? Or you mean like mentally? I mean like the Dust Bowl. Like how that was. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So all you could afford was sweet green. It's not enough of a lunch. Well, I'm intermittent fasting now. I know this is the kind of space where I can talk about this. This is a free space for men to talk about the stuff that they do. Yes. Good. And more importantly, the stuff they don't do. Eat. 1 p.m. is when it's go time. So as soon as we're done with this podcast, you already have a whole bowl. I'm going to hit the trough. What is your go-to, you know, when you're coming off the fast, do you keep it light, or are you going for something filling? I usually, I just time it wrong, and so I don't, I need to eat something really, really fast, so I'll just, like, throw a Beyond sausage, which, I mean, we can talk about this, too. That, I think, is the best. Why are you trying to ruin your day at 1 p.m.? You don't like the Beyond, not the breakfast sausages, like the brats. You're talking about a mild or a hot Italian bratwurst? I go mild. Look at me. The hot Italian. You do look ginger-leaning. I wasn't going to say anything, but it seems like you have some ginger-esque qualities. Beautiful head of hair on you, though. So every day you eat a bratwurst. Beyond products are disgusting. As a lifelong vegetarian who's eaten every phase of the veggie burger and veggie products, Beyond is so...

bad that it sends me back to the cold case for a bokeh. Wow, wow, wow, wow. That's what it does to me. Feel old yet, Hayes? I don't agree. On the burgers, people were like, oh, it's made from peas, and you're like, okay, yeah, it tastes like peas. Every bite, I'm tasting peas, so I buy that. Your pea burger tastes like peas, got it. Damn, they're not lying on the packaging. A bag of peas, 79 cents in the freezer. Box of P.E. Burgers, $11.99. The casing on the sausage is right. It tastes like the snap of the actual innards. Bro, you're grossing me the fuck out. This is not what I want to talk about. They nailed that bovine intestinal kind of tripe snap. Sort of like natural condom-esque. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lamb skin. Nothing feels better. Man, you're really talking me into this. I need to hit my local Whole Foods and grab a couple cases. It cooks right. Yeah, I can't recommend it. Do you boil them or are you hitting the grill? What's the forum that I can check after this for how people feel about the Beyond products? r slash Beyond Sausage. Okay. Slash mild or slash not Italian depending on which way your leadership going by the time this. We don't. Look, I didn't want to jump the gun, but just put in how long gone 20 at checkout for 20% off your beyond sausages. It might work. There's a small chance it won't work, but for most websites, if you put in how long gone, you know, Wayfair, Ikea. Yeah, Amazon, Amazon. If you need anything in Amazon, how long gone 20 at checkout. It should work. It should work. And, Hayes, that helps put a little do-re-mi in our pockets. Try different numbers. If 20 doesn't work. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Jason has always had an Amazon wish list, but this is different than that. You know what I mean? So I want to make that clear. Don't buy that stuff. Buy general products so that I receive my half of the bounty. So, Hayes, you said you were listening to our most recent episode, doing a little homework? You know, I like to just, like, get locked in. I talk along with the episode as it's happening, so, like, I'm, like, basically taking swings in the batter's box, you know?

fourth member of the conversation or you're talking or you're trying to I'm talking over the guest okay I don't even know who the guest was Chris and I are doing a double dutch jump rope with our guest and you're on the sidelines like yes just get me in there oh if I'm in there I'm hitting dingers yeah so sometimes I listen to the podcast you know a lot of times your podcast over the years and I'm like and I think to myself like damn come on I wish I was in the stew with these guys cooking it up Because I would have been hitting a lot more dingers than whoever, you know, Nomi Fry you have on here or something. Weird for your example, isn't that the name of an actual podcast that you had? Yeah, that's right. The Stew. Okay. But the Stew, he was talking about a hot cup of water with vegetables in it. Sure. Hey, you are doing your homework. I like it. I go all the way back. I saw... I watched a little of the What's in My Bag, something I've always wanted to do. The two of you got to do it. That was my dream. I hope you didn't go too far back, though. You know what I mean? Oh, sure. Did you listen to them jeans, the XX drum edit on YouTube, or did you kind of stop short of that? That didn't show up on page one. Yeah, we're page one, guys. I mean, you know how it is. You're a Hollywood cat. You know what the deal is. Oh, sure. Yeah, so do you feel like when you're listening to other podcasts, like, oh, I wish i was right i was i wish i was in here cooking with these guys because i would in there because i could be doing a better job than them or is that do you think you need to be thinking that to be a an a plus potter you all are like new gen like with this format what i want is like the old version where i'm driving i'm listening on the way to the studio to that person's podcast we sit down we have just interminable conversation Someone says save it for the pod at some point. Of course. And... That gets a huge laugh every time. That delivers. That delivers. And then the afterwards, that come down afterwards where you're like, oh, so fun. That was awesome. So did you do Adam Carolla, or is this just a fantasy? I never did. God. If I could get on Carolla. No, I mean, that's how every podcast was. Chris and I, when we were doing Tall Tales way back in the day, somebody would go to your house.

Oh, yeah. And you would like do like that 15 minute conversation of like, oh, traffic was crazy. You know, I got a I got where'd you get your coffee from? Oh, it has oatmeal, you know, whatever it is. And then you finally sit down, you hit record. It gets you know, it goes OK sometimes. And then you finish and then you're like, yeah. and then you have a really funny interesting conversation for 30 minutes and then you wait for your uber yes because you were building to that the whole time but nobody heard that's why rogan and peterson did five and a half hours yesterday because you can't yeah you gotta you gotta get there you know and i don't the long form podcasting is one of the most cursed trends of all time listening to a who why because who the fuck wants to listen to five that's insane it's It's so boring. You don't have to sit there in an empty room with headphones on and just listen. You can parcel it out throughout your day. I'm aware of how podcasts work and how people listen to them. I'm just saying to you. Your app has the pause button, and it'll hold that spot. First of all, you know I don't listen to podcasts. I think it's boring. But I think that that style of podcasting, I just don't fully get it. And I don't know if. I believe that at hour three, you really hit your stride. That seems to be laborious to me. It has really just shown, I think, the pointlessness of making TV or things that cost any money at all. Because... If people will consume that, like that much. We only have so many content minutes in our lives. That's how I look at my life. How many content minutes do I have until I die? Not how many breaths do I have in my lungs. So if you're cashing in literally hundreds of content minutes on one episode of the show that comes out like. every other day. Now you want to spend like $3 million on an episode of television? Why? Just do this instead. So like Aziz just put out a stand-up special that was less than 30 minutes. You know, how much money, you're in the biz, how much money do you think it costs all, you know, produce it, the flights, directing, post-production, marketing budget, the whole thing, you know. So I know Aziz, he walked me through a lot of the financials.

Hey, come over and look at the P&L with me. Wear a beanie. Wear a beanie if you don't mind. Can we share the screen so we can all be on the Google pages? I was hoping we'd crack the books on this. I mean, we show on our Patreon that the number's right out. Same idea. Same idea. Can I give you another lifestyle recommendation? What I'm sipping on right now? Sure. What are you sipping on? This is a hopped tea beverage. Have you tried any of these yet? There's a lot of them out there. That shit, that's the most twee ass. That looks like Zooey Deschanel designed the packaging. It tastes like it too. It's like a morning beer, sort of, that you can have that has no alcohol. But it tastes, the great taste of beer. That's the whitest thing I've ever seen in my life. You're drinking a chamomile mint tea IPA. in a can yeah what what kind of hops are flavoring the citra classic you've had the you've had the fizzy hoppy tea from go get them tiger i assume well i do love that that was kind of the the hop tea that started it all right yeah i read well then they have there's g and b downtown in grand central market which is also them where they have the fizzy hoppy tea oh we're we're for we're for we're familiar with that so you must read the article they were like this is the best latte in america yeah at this point in the same paper that profiled the two of you famously new york times yeah well they're liars they're liars over there they also said biden was gonna help you know what i mean so i don't know if he can trust them biden's gonna help i don't know i can't trust those guys i can't trust those guys in the new york times it's fine the latte's fine It's pretty good. It's a pretty good latte. What's your favorite latte, bro? This is the whole thing. I don't think any distinguished themselves that much. Is that good? Agreed. Basically. Agreed. The concept. Hayes, you're more of a Scotch man, though. You can distinguish your favorites for that, right? Yeah, that's something. Jason and I talked about this. This happened over the pandemic. I got really into dark liquor. Well, we call that in the How Long Gone universe, sipping brown. Does your wife still love you, or is it going fine? My wife... For listeners at home, Hayes is crying. She was picking up a glass that it had been in, and she just smelled the glass, and she was like, what is this? So disgusting. So she's not a peaty chick, is what you're saying. No, she's into...

Just raw mezcal. Like from a plastic jug that she kind of smuggled in from the Oaxacan land? Home distilled mezcal. You guys are fucking freaks, man. Damn, you guys are drunk as fuck. She doesn't do any of that stuff. Well, you know, I watch. Scotch is interesting because I watch a lot of... TV shows that Jason doesn't like, but they feature usually lawyers or rich people, and they always, at the end of the day, not succession, at the end of the day, they'll have just a scotch neat with their partner or fellow lawyer, maybe the chief of police. Not from a bottle, just from one of those crystal decanters. It's a Baccarat decanter with a brown liquid in it, but it just seems like... That shit gets you twisted, right? Yeah, by the end of the conversation, they should be a little fucked up. That's what I'm saying. So if you pour yourself a nice scotch, how do you feel after? Loose? Are you feeling like I shouldn't drive the Tesla? I shouldn't even let the Tesla drive itself. I got to tell you this. Now that I'm intermittent fasting, it's starting to hit again. The stomach is as empty under this program. Yes, it's going straight. through the lining well i think what that what on the tv show what they're trying to show is like these guys are or gals are hardened drinkers their job is so mentally and emotionally taxing that that's just to go to zero that's just to level out so they clearly drink half a bottle of scotch every day and it doesn't do anything to them but in those shows they always go like zero to a hundred where like either it's that scene where like it's not affecting them at all or they're like falling over drunk. They've wrecked the car. Yeah, exactly. Are you just on drizzly.com running the checkup or are you going to a local purveyor? I used to a couple times I did drizzly. There's a good in LA sort of an understated liquor store. We'll see about that. The sign just says market.

It's at Glendale where you come off the two onto Glendale Boulevard, not Glendale the city. Thank God. In Echo Park, sort of north of the Burger King. But you're saying this place has a nice selection of imported brown liquors. Huge. Okay. The guys there are very nice. I've been able to experiment with different smoke. uh quantity there's like a metric for that i think i got into this a little bit okay so have you uh have you been invited yet to like kind of go in the back and and kind of crack open a cuban with the fellas and and really do some the day that they tell us like guys let's uh get this the pandemic is completely over hey hey welcome to the how long gone family yeah once covid is cure and the world goes From unprecedented back to precedented. Yes, I'm going in the back. You have a Cuban ready to go. I will be. You're going to chief that thing. Yes. You know how to smoke a cigar, boy? No. You sure you can handle all that stick? I don't think I can. You can handle all that stick. I watched Jason. I watched drunk mushroom high Jason. smoke a cigar down to the nub on new year's eve wow and i was like this fast i was like does he even know he's doing this or is he just so twisted that he's just like hanging on to it yeah and jason did you feel like you had sucked an exhaust pipe the next day or did you feel okay oh i don't inhale i mean because i i mean i was on mushrooms i was blackout drunk it was new year's eve i'm smoking a cigar like four in the morning so like Any number of things are going to... I felt awful. Was it the one cigar or the 19 cigarettes I smoked? Great point. Is there a conversion chart for how many cigarettes is a cigar? 350, depending on how long that stick is. 350 cigarettes. Wow. That's something we could maybe create, like a nice little chart that people could download. There's a lot of variables in play because I like to do an 80-20 split.

to inhale versus not inhale with the cigar. You're not supposed to inhale the cigar, but I'll inhale it in the mouth, blow out 80% into the air, and then 20 goes back in just for daddy. Do you have a cutter that is within arm's length right now? Could you just reach out and grab, just hold up a cutter to the camera? I don't own any cigars, or I don't have a torch. Shout out to our boy, Davide. We have an Italian friend who... enjoys the finer things in life in a way that i i don't have you might call him a cigar aficionado oh wow like piven piven style exactly he's he's he's similar to the pivot is hey give me a lloyd give me a piven style lloyd that i and and i know what that means but i i never heard it i've actually never heard him say lloyd but i know who lloyd is I can picture the actor. Wait, so you don't watch Entourage, or you didn't watch? I was working on a TV show where we all spent the finale of that show, I think, was like 21 minutes long. 21 minutes? A little time at work. It was really short. I remember being like, that's the finale? It's HBO. They could do the full half hour. Why is this so short? Jason, was the finale like a... controversial like it was like a bad finale i don't remember i don't think so i don't even remember there were just people at work that were like entourage ended last night i haven't watched it should we all watch it together and that's the only you were working on tv that long ago oh yeah damn bro how old are you 35 oh you're just advanced damn this man was in this man was in the writer's room saying i want more gummy worms when he was 22 yeah shit man this was like 2011 when did yeah 11 12 that's been on yeah yeah that's true i guess i think of it more as like a 2002 thing because of the look of it. Oh, sure. But it was a little later in the scheme of things, I guess. And they had long hiati. They had to really get in the lab on that show before they were ready to come back. Lloyd! Yeah. That's kind of how he does it. And then Lloyd, wherever he is in the world, comes scurrying into that room. Okay. I've been looking for a new show. Maybe the complete entourage. Don't say... Do not say you're looking for a new show. You said...

I've been looking for a new... I miss all my shows. You sound like two groups of parents getting together for a coffee in Highland Park, trying to make conversation while their dogs wrestle. I mean, I just destroyed Yellow Jackets, so I'm looking for a new show right now. So how do you deal with working in TV when it's so obnoxious? I don't really do it anymore. So you don't do it anymore, but if you got a call, if you're in the bullpen and they call you. Oh, I'm getting calls. If I got a call? Oh, no, I'm just kidding. How would I deal with what aspect of it being so annoying? Because TV is hell, in my opinion. Like the pace in which it, and I like it, but the pace in which it moves, the absolutely insane frothing discussion about things all the time. Yes. And I just don't. And don't forget, like you're stationary the whole time. Like you as like a physical body are just like melting into a chair. Exactly. The entire process. As a writer, you don't move ever. Some weight gain involved in that job, and I don't like that one bit. No. Should be illegal. Did you pack on some pounds when you were in the room? Be honest. Yeah, absolutely. My first job, you just have to learn a weird discipline. My first job, I hit two bills. Easy. And this was, again, I was like 22. 22, you hit two bills. You didn't even know you can go protein style at Paquito Moss, so that was a lot of extra kind of carbs. I love Paquito Moss. That was a very popular lunch destination. You got to find your North Star in the room, which is someone else here. Like, this person has, like, figured out, like, what is okay to eat and not. I would just go, like, I would write same as blank or whatever on when they pass around the menu. That's very smart. So you would walk in with, like, a jack-in-a-box breakfast and be like, oh, and then you'd quickly put it back in your bag?

You read the room. I got to say, it's worse. I did consulting on a Zoom room last year. Brutal. Absolutely brutal. It's this, but a lot more silence, and it's 14 hours long, and it's every day. I don't know. Look, I don't know what the going rate is. I would talk to our agent, but it seems like there's not enough money in the world for me to do a Zoom room. That sounds rough. Yeah. my wife is in one my wife is a writer and she's in one right now you see this pull-up bar behind me yeah her back has gotten so destroyed by just like sitting in the the zoom room chair all day that she'll just come in and sort of like just dangle from that yeah doesn't do pull-ups you're supposed to just like hang there so she Just looks like the Blair Witch has made her face the corner. We hang, yeah. Okay, yeah. I hang. Who am I talking to? This right here, that's my pull-up bar outside, and I also do a little dead, it's called a dead hang. Yeah, it feels great. It's really good for tennis elbow and also shoulder mobility. Okay. And it's good for short kings. You'll add an inch on depending on how long you can hang. That's why Rogan does it. He'll go 5-4 to 5-5, two minutes. I don't like the noise it makes when I start to try. It's warning me not to try. Oh, yeah. The pull-up bar that hangs on the doorway, I'm always like... so afraid to ever try it i don't trust it it's not even the pull-up bar it's like the you have to the house also has to be yeah structurally uh have integrity yeah where what kind of room where are you right now is this your is this your back house where you get to ideate this is the downstairs unit where we're doing a gut reno fellas gut reno and so this this is a rental It's too – we're in like a little duplex. Damn, Jason. What I hear – the context, you know, I'm reading through what he's saying, and it sounds like he's saying podcasting can make you rich. Is that what you're – kind of the context clues you're getting? Yeah, well, I mean, it makes you a gentrifier, but part of that comes with wealth, you know? I don't even want to know the poor family that you kicked out of this rental. This was their pull-up bar. It was this dope family.

Yeah, I don't. That's great. I mean, I think that that's a good use of your time during the continuing COVID-19 pandemic. Because you're going to need to kind of be in better shape once you are eventually displaced and kind of unhoused. So, you know, the streets out there. To fight the sheriff. To fight the sheriff. Let's not joke about that, though. That's not funny. I'm not decorating this or anything. I'm not getting committed to it. Sure. You left the platinum plaques at the other house. They're kind of under a blanket so they don't get dusty. That's right. You brought the sauna, though. Did you get your sauna? No, it's pushed. Late Feb. Supply chain. I was going to say, I saw somebody. On the Union Pacific Railroad stealing a sauna. No. Yes. Yes. No, bro. That was your sauna. Oh, my God. Because my tracking said it was delayed. That's probably what it was. Have you been down to those tracks and seen them? You can't. I mean, I think it's pretty hard to just go. No, you're not. Oh, so you never did graffiti, I guess, pussy. Okay. No, I do bridges. I, like, rappel down, like, the side of a bridge. Oh, I see. You're more of a bouldering guy. I see your approach. I haven't been down there. I was reading about it. The trains are, like, a mile long now, so it's, like, very hard to... And they did, like, they extended the length of the trains, and then it's like, oh, yeah, okay, well, that makes sense. It's like the big boat in the Suez Canal, you know? Yeah. That thing, that a mile-long train, it's just... If you're at the front of the train and you see a guy breaking into car number 1048, you're like, hey, buddy. Cut that out, buster. You have like a telescope and you're like, I think I see a guy breaking in at the end of our train. I've heard, guys, all joking aside, this is not good for me as an Amazon power user, but I've heard that the. The train guy's like, you know what? We ain't stopping there anymore. We're all set. What does that mean? You have to stop the train at some point, don't you? It's going to crash. They're going to just drive straight through and throw your stuff off the station. Yeah, they're not going to stop at the Union Pacific Station, Jason. Of course, the train will eventually stop. That's not good for me in Glendale because I'm right by the tracks. Are you? I'm close. I hear them at night. I can hear it too.

Think of the two of us listening to the same train every night. I'm hard as a rock. Let me just quote one of my favorite bands. When a train goes by, it's such a sad sound. You know what I mean? And that's why Jason's so depressed. It's very forlorn. Is that Morrissey? Of course, bro. Come on. Who else would say something that ridiculous? All aboard. That's what they say. So maybe this is like... Airplane horn. So this... It was getting a lot of press that the train... For our listeners at home who don't know, there's a train stop in downtown LA. where all the freight trains are coming, Amazon deliveries are being stolen by railroad pirates who are going in and just stealing shit. UPS as well. And maybe it's a psyop to kind of push forward the Amazon drone delivery system. What do you guys think about that? I love that theory. Okay. The weird thing, I learned from this that there's like Union Pacific, they're like train cops. They're like special train cops. And I guess they cut their... Their security budget. I was big on the front lines of defund the Union Pacific Police. I just don't even like to hear the word Union. That's kind of where I stop. I kind of check out when you guys start talking about that. Yes, right to work Pacific, it should be. And then the train police were like, you want to defund us? Fine. Good luck getting your three foot surge protector. Yeah, I mean, this is the blame COVID situation is I'm waiting for it to reach the absolute tipping point. Like Adele saying her shit got delayed because of COVID and then it coming out that she like was just screaming and yelling at the set designer and they couldn't agree on the set for the show. We need more things like that to happen so people can stop blaming. Like I killed my uncle because of COVID. Yeah, the tipping point of where you can no longer use COVID as an excuse for anything. I've worn that out. And I don't ever want it to go away. I always want that in my back pocket to be able to lean on. Are you a guy who – do you cancel plans? Are you one of those guys? Oh, I've done it. You want to hear another lifestyle choice, like an improvement?

You got it. I got as a joke gift for some friends something that I actually do use now, which is this herbal snuff. Tobacco-free, nicotine-free, Smoky Mountain brand. This is straight flavor. What are you getting from that? First of all, I like that it's straight flavor. I'm not with that gay flavor stuff. That's weird shit. So you're telling me that this is a product you put into your lip and you spit it out. You pack it in. Dip style or snooze. It does emit juice just like the real thing. Bro. So you can confirm that it's squirting? Oh, yeah. You got to have to sort of learn how to tame it. And like the first experience, you're like, oh, it's too much juice. But, yeah, once you get a handle on it, I just, like, I missed. I was, like, scared to do it when I, like, played JV baseball on the bus. Where are you from? Where are you from? Outside Boston. I didn't know Boston. This feels like some southern shit to me, but I guess baseball. Boston's snuff country, too. Late high school, there was, like, a movement where, like, all the kids in my high school got really into Kenny Chesney specifically. He would come do a show in these country festivals. This was around the time of Toby Keith, Alan Jackson. That's what kids were listening to. Boston music, you know? Yeah. And so it might have been just part of that. There's a little Confederate influence heading up into the Union strongholds, bringing their dip and chew with them. Yeah. They have the same thing as like... Like, those artists, I think, deal with the same thing that the dropkick Murphys do, which is, like, they'll be doing shipping up to Boston or whatever, and then, like, an actual Nazi will run up on stage, and they'll be like, no, that's not too far. That's not what we meant. We just wear Fred Perry, bro. Relax. It's not that real for us, man. Damn, lay off. That is absolutely twisted that you do that. Like, I want you to know that. And I get to do this now. I'll hold it right up to the mic. Disgusting. That kids would do on the bus where you pack it. Did you smoke cigs? Are you trying to, like, stop something? Or is this just something you picked up? Okay, this is just...

That's what it's for. One of my friends I gave it to was like, he's going to pick up dip again for this reason. This reminds him of how much he likes it. He's like, I need the real stuff. So now he's going to get back into it. So some people have to quit nicotine, and he just simply forgot about it, and you reminded him. The door opens both ways. Can I ask you how much 110 of this costs? It's remarkably cheap. Well, actually, I don't know what, like, a normal one is, but I think it's, like, three bucks. No, but I'm saying, where do you even find this, like, gentrified dip? They have it at all the Lassen's. The branding is the same. They're, like, very intent on, like, this is for real southern men. You know, they're in the duck trap or whatever, like, all over the website. This ain't no foo-foo shit. Yes. Yeah, you can get a variety pack. They have grape. Oh, grape? Grape? What the f***? I got to say, Hayes, it seems like you're living in like a very different but very similar parallel universe. Like for me, it's like I drink coffee, smoke cigarette, have a martini. Yeah. And then you're doing the same things but just like a little. Each specific is just slightly off. Just a little different. Like I'm drinking my hoppy tea instead of coffee. And instead of having a cigarette or a Juul. I'm having a synthetic nicotine-free snuff chew, but then the scotch is where it really kind of pulls all together. They have straight flavor and classic, and they do taste very different. I don't know what really distinguishes. Do you do this? What do you spit it in, a Pepsi bottle, or you got something cooler? Usually, these are nice mugs that my wife got. It would be pretty cool if you were a real L.A. guy and I pull up next to you in the car and you're in the Tesla and you're spitting into a clean canteen. Yes. One of your branded... A nice Nalgene for your dip disposal would be very cool. That's something to think about. We graduated from the Sierra Mist from 2017. But I also like that your wife is smelling the glass of scotch and she's like...

What is this? But then the Heath Ceramics coffee mug full of spit chews? That's chill. She doesn't really recognize me anymore. And what's weird is we've been together the whole time during this pandemic that something weird has happened to me. And she's just been present for it, but not really able to understand it. She's letting you cook, doing your little thing. Hopefully it works out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like. This stuff is probably going to stick with you. I hate to be the one to tell you that. It lasts a pretty long time. I don't pack a huge lip. I've got, like, of the two variety packs I got, like, they are going to last. I've been going through this can for, like, a month. I forgot that that was the term. It's so good. Okay, well, you know, sometimes, Hayes, you brought something up. rolling coal have you heard of that yeah tell the audience just in case that they you know that they are caught up like if you're driving around in like maybe a hybrid car an electric car yes you know a prius a tesla whatever i've driven both many a times through socal and then a person in a big diesel truck sees you having a health-conscious, eco-conscious vehicle, and then floors it with a cloud of black diesel smoke. So I've been the victim of that a few times, and I didn't really have anything to do except shake my fist as they drive away. But now that you have this snuff, you can kind of show that. to let them know that you are an ally or a brother. That's your redneck passport. It's your redneck passport. Flash that. Flash that. Yeah, we just spit on each other's cars. I drive a little farther ahead. He sees I've got the Kappa mudflaps, too, on my Prius, just like he has. Or maybe on the Prius, a sticker on the back, you know.

Lip packer on board, snuffer on board, something like that just to let them know that you're, you know, it's like the blue lives matter. We do a can check. We flash the tin at each other. Can check. Can check. We went to John and Vinny's on Fairfax last night with our friend Nick, and we parked my car next to the, we came out and we were parked next to this truck that was just so big. Yeah. Had the biggest rims. Jason, I had to back the car out for Jason to get in. Because the truck was taking up so much space. It was crossing the line. I'm 6'9", and the bed of the truck was like eye level with me. And brother, this thing was stock. Wow. And I made a joke. I was like, this car is probably $100,000. I think so. But I think that's realistic. I just Googled it. The 2021 Shelby F-150. Starting price, $107,000. And $115,000 for the supercharged version. And you've got to get the, I mean, are you broke? That's the crowd. That's John and Vinny's, though, you know. That's why I don't go to John and Vinny's. But, yeah, it was a truck that, like, it was an inanimate object that intimidated me. Yeah. And it was a strange thing because I grew up around big old trucks, brother. Speaking of. going to restaurants with this lifestyle choice the sign says no smoking okay that's what it says they try to get you on this you just point to the sign and there's even a visual of the thing that you're not allowed to eat they make it very clear yes you you've never a haze i don't believe that you've ever ever lipped in a restaurant i've i've definitely had some stuck in my teeth when i When you finish your sweet green salad, you're like, is this a sunflower seed or is this synthetic dip? I can't tell. Honey, you have a little za'atar breadcrumb in your teeth and then you do a little, that's when you do a wink to the camera. They'll never know. Yeah, that's what you think. I want to talk about live podcasting. We did a live podcast tour last year. Yeah. And I know that you guys have done a live podcast a bunch of times probably over the years. What venues are we talking about for your tour? Which ones did we do?

Yes. We did kind of classic indie rock, Bowery Ballroom, Lodge Room, Shuba's in Chicago. We did Bell House, about the same size, 500 standing. You fucking podcasters love Bell House. They love us. I don't want our listeners to have to go to Brooklyn. I like to assume that our listeners live in Manhattan, and they don't want to do that. Or especially if you're coming from Connecticut. Exactly, yeah. It's a little bit closer. But my question is, like, your specific brand of podcasting, how does that translate live? Because we found, you know, you guys have probably done, you know, you have a comedic background. Maybe you've dabbled in stand-up or improv. No, no. Okay, good, good. But for us, it was just like, all right, our tour starts. Yeah. Never done this before. Let's see what happens. So it was a real, you know, jumping in the deep end. So I want to know, like, did your style of podcast work out well? Did you have to alter it? Do you have to do something different for a live show? We've had good ones. We've had good shows. Yeah. We had our tours. I think we only did one tour. It was great. We did like a Pacific Northwest tour. The one place where we completely ate shit was Comic Con. It's become, among some listeners, kind of a legendary episode for how awful it was. See, the key is to not release these. We recorded one and had to put it out because of scheduling issues, but the whole plan was if you pay $25, you get to see this, and if you didn't, you don't. I instantly regretted uploading the live episode. It was like taking your shirt off in public, and everyone's like, oh. We did it with a commentary. Oh, that's nice. So we put out the live show, and then we would cut it and, like, talk about... That's smart, that's smart, that's smart. ...what had just happened and, like, how scared we were. But, yeah, that audience, like... Tough crowd. Why were you doing... And this is... Why were you doing Comic-Con? We were invited by... Maybe you've heard of Team Coco to be on the Team Coco stage. I thought maybe, like, you know, Superman himself asked you to be there, but I didn't know that...

Team Coco had a stage. It was an audience that had shown up to get, like, an exclusive Funko Pop. And they have to, like, sit through a four-hour show that they hate. Who was your guest for this? Moshe Kasher. Yeah, he's good. You know him. He'd be great on this show. He would. I see him and his whole family, Natasha, walking around. Silver Lake. Some other displacing gentrifiers. Those guys are big in the real estate game. They've been here. They've been here. Their first wave, if that's what they are. Well, you know, Comic-Con's in San Diego, right? Oh, yeah. That could have been your problem. You think that was the problem? Well, I think your performance was the problem, but I think that San Diego... Because we found that in certain cities, the crowd, even though they paid to be there and were buying merch... They just weren't picking up what we were putting down. We are not a San Diego show. We're not a flat brim show. We're not a Rivka brand project. Don't come for Rivka. Those guys are like 40% of my personal income. You have a Rivka partnership? It's called Ruka, and if you're into fighting... It is Ruka? God. It's Ruka. Don't act like you haven't lived in Southern California long enough to know how to pronounce that. I honestly didn't know. It looks like a V. It is a V. Hayes, come on. Hayes, where do you do Jiu-Jitsu at? Where's your spot? This guy's wearing Ruka underwear right now. He doesn't even know how to pronounce it. That's crazy. What color is your gi? It's so embarrassing. I can't believe I came on this show and I pronounced it Rivka. You fucked up, pussy. Yeah, you fucked up. You're going to die on that hill. You're going to die on that hill. Also, another thing about your podcast, and a lot of podcasts, it's a trend that I noticed that something that we don't have, which is like a producer kind of lackey person on the show that becomes the punching bag for so many. different podcasts. Your podcast does it. Tim Dillon. Zillions of podcasts has the guy that we make fun of. Just a human crutch. You've done hundreds of episodes and you're so lazy and this person is just there to fill content minutes. Hey, you're fat, right? How's that going?

You don't make as much money as us and we work harder? What's that like? I feel like it was a thing that happened a lot early pod days and then it's sort of kind of going by the wayside as we become more woke, cultured, and more sensitive to that thing. Do you think that you have personally made fun of your producer less over time? Have you gotten a little soft? Or are you still kind of really hammering it in? stuff we say about him changes flavors with the times it used to be that we made fun of him for being like a sex maniac and we would like make stuff up about uh his like his personal habits and then it was that he's like comes from like a very wealthy family and i just like we adapt like the We still use him just to fill time. No, it's good. Because a lot of comedians and podcasters will complain like, oh, I can't say anything because of cancel culture and woke this, woke that. And I've always thought you just have to work harder, just pivot. The game is still playable. You just have to figure out a new way to do it. And that's what you guys have been doing. Exactly. You just have to be able to pivot. And with him, he is a very... funny smart handsome guy and so it's not like we're punching up okay and he does come from a wealthy background so he's having the last laugh uh yeah we don't get it like you know i've never asked him for real about his like personal life or anything but just like i think so yeah i like to hear i like to hear this though because jason's the producer of the show so i guess i should be even more mean to him when the opportunity arises to kind of So we can kind of check that box on this show. Yeah, I'm just shoulder a lot as a host and the punching bag producer at the same time. Luckily, I'm built for it. Big shoulders. You know, you'll get there. What episode are we on? 294? Because you're doing three a week? Three a week, baby. Okay. Yeah, it's more than, I'd say, the number of weeks than the number of episodes. Okay, interesting. When it starts to really just erode.

your physical and mental health. Okay. And so then, yeah, there will be time. And, you know, bringing a producer in to play that role is life-extending. It's self-care. I do this for me. It's wellness. We're anti-self-care. Jason likes the calluses that it builds up when I say that he's poor or unathletic. Yeah. Part of my kind of psychological self-harm credo and ideology that I have, Not only do I like it, I kind of like it a little too much. I would say I recommend to everyone, hire a producer. I don't care what your job is. Hire a producer just to be present for you to deflect attention onto. No matter what the job is. Yes, that's wellness. That's wellness. I think that our show has also evolved over time. Chris has maybe used me as a punching bag. I think the future is interesting. So interesting. At some point, I will maybe start using him as a punching bag. Who's to say? Chris, is that something that would ever happen? That's equity. Your body shots to this frame, I won't budge. Let me put it that way. Let me put in some words that you'll understand. Look, my grappling, my floor game compared to your pounding. Not to use a Rivka term. Because you sleep on the floor in a pallet in the guest room, I think your floor game is pretty good. Chris, I have a nicer bed than you. Come on, bro. I don't need sleep. I don't care about comfort. And I know how to say fret sheets, not frette. You're so unworldly. Yeah, I got frets. You can take the boy out of the country, but not the country out of the boy. That's true. I mean, I'm learning that Boston is a southern city, which I'd always assumed before. Hayes' habits are feeling so Southern to me that I feel like we have a kinship. I lived in Texas from second to seventh grade. Okay. And then when I came back, I'd grown up in Boston and went back afterwards, and people for a second were like, oh, that's Texas. That's awesome. And that was my personality for a minute. And then they were like...

Oh, but you yourself are not cool. We don't want to. Texas is cool. Hang out with you. What city in Texas were you living in? Austin, man. Keeping it weird. Slacker, Linklater, Slacker, Austin Stories. So you were in the second grade and you were checking out all these Linklater films and stuff. You were at the Alamo Draft House just hanging out? Yes, I was keeping Austin weird. From the beginning. Was your dad the CEO of Dell? Or why did you guys move there? To Dell, bro. You can see. That's the only reason why people go to Austin is if they work at Dell. My dad was a professor at UT. Hook him. Yeah. And Ricky Williams came to speak at my middle school. The Ricky Williams? The Ricky Williams. What was he on? His Heisman season. This was when he was like, he hadn't discovered, he hadn't become enlightened yet at that point. I don't think he'd sampled God's green herb at that point. Isn't that wild? Yes. The thing with him at that time was like, this guy smokes weed. He's going to lose it all. But Dell, you would be driving up. Mopac or something. I forget exactly what it was. I don't know if this was just an urban legend, but my dad would always be like, that's Michael Dell's house. And there was this gigantic mansion just looking over the highway that everyone... It was like Mr. Potter's house or whatever. It's a wonderful life. The whole town could see the one... Michael Dell's house, the shadow it cast over the entire city was profound. And these were like Dell heyday too. everybody was rocking Adele. I just wish I had a last name that I could brand. Black is too, I can't do it. You can't. Black computers wouldn't fly. You know what I mean? It just wouldn't fly. Well, there's a Blackberry, Chris. I know, but that, I mean, no longer. You know what I mean? Maybe that was part of the downfall. Hey, let's try this on for size. When we were having dinner last night at John and Vinny's, Chris reminded me of a good fun fact about himself that his name was originally

Instead of being Chris Black, it was originally going to be Lamar Black. This is the plan. The plan was in place. Your parents were going to name you Lamar Black. My dad and my accountant, he's both. Accountant first, father second. Gary Lamar. Gary Lamar Black and associates, if you guys need me. It's tax season, so just let me know. Promo code howlongon20 at checkout. And give a shout-out to IRS as well, those guys. We love the IRS. Thanks for listening, guys. So Lamar is his middle name, and I think that he thought it would be funny to name me Lamar, and my mom, of course, shot him down, opened her Bible, and picked a name out of there like a good southern woman. Naming your child, quote, because it would be funny is a wild thing for your pretty mild-mannered accountant dad. So even at the time, they were like, this will be. This will be a who. He'll love – this kid will love this. It's not like your dad is like Chris Farley or like a real kind of jokester guy. No, but he likes – it's two things, though. It's actually his middle name, so it's like a family name. So he can pass it off as that, but then also get a little chuckle every time he's scolding my ass because he's saying – you know, it's funny. So these dads, they like just – dropping that middle name on you yes they troll they want to troll yeah they want to troll dads you guys grew up with the dad great awesome so hayes you have a very white name hayes davenport you know that's a you know it's a country club kind of name chris black he's a very white guy but him having the name lamar black the juxtaposition it would be incredible it would be incredible it would be it would be like they're like oh i have a 1 p.m meeting with lamar black And then you look up from your calendar and you see Chris and you go, what? Yeah, it's better than what, I mean, I'm dealing with the opposite where people hear like, you're, Hayes Davenport's coming in today and then I come in and they're like, yep, all right. Exactly what we thought it would be. The flower on their desk goes, hmm.

Because you're not wearing a sports coat with a pocket square? He's a little shorter than we thought, but that's fine. Davenport Hayes. Well, we were looking you up because I'm familiar with your work to an extent, but I wasn't familiar with your work at Harvard University. So I think that that is also... I put in some real work there, yeah. Some of my proudest work. It's a very cool thing. Women go there? Is that what you're saying? There are women there? It's called Radcliffe, technically, but yeah, it's the same. He was putting in work. No, they did. So this is the weirdest thing. They did actually go to a different... technically a different college called radcliffe college until like i want to say like 1971 or something like that it was that's back when conan was running the uh the lampoon yeah okay that was conan's big thing back then he was like we gotta get we gotta get the the ladies in here fellow poon hound conan o'brien yeah i hope your relationship with conan is strictly based on on your harvard relationship and has nothing to do with comedy is that is that how you got the comic-con gig Everything I've gotten is from Conan personally. When I flew into John Wayne Airport when I first moved to L.A., he was waiting on the dang way. Welcome to the brother. His dad called your dad. You know how this stuff works. He hands you your Equinox membership card, and you go, hey, what took you so long, Coco? When I first visited out here when I was in college, uh i met greg daniels through something the creator of the office who was also who was conan's roommate and they were also on the limp to be a fly on the wall huh oh my god the amount the amount of women not coming over to that apartment i can't even imagine well unpaid women carry on his there was a uh our like fucking initiation week or whatever was coming up that like sometimes like the graduates come back for this like old uh club thing and i was like greg dane i was like are you coming back for like initiation week and he was like no are you gonna come and haze me what if you did yeah haze haze yeah you started bending over and pulling your trousers down for that inevitable whack it's great for being in

And like a pseudo frat. It's a great name. It really is. I never thought that. I never put that together. I don't think they do it like we do it down south. They don't do waterboarding with Budweiser and stuff up there. It's a little more. No, it's more like time consuming. It's like the game. It's like the movie The Game. Where they hunt you? They pretend to hunt you. With. Is Ice-T there or is this just the regular crew? Was Ice-T in the movie The Game? I think so. That's a good question. I believe he was the... I believe he was... You're not saying he was the ringmaster. It's totally possible. I could be wrong. Jason knows I'm not a cinephile, but I believe... No, there's a movie called Surviving the Game starring Ice-T and Rutger Hauer from 94. Chris, maybe you are a little bit of a cinephile after all. Where these rich guys literally hunt a person. That's the movie. That's Surviving the Game. Yes, that's the premise. Which I believe is now they just hunt big elephants and stuff, which is better, I think. And humans, yeah. We don't talk about... how we've made progress in this society. We always complain about stuff, but back in 1994, they were hunting people. We've come a long way, and we have a long way to go. Sure. All right, Hayes. Thank you for potting with us. We're out of here, huh? Doing the most dangerous game. It really is. We're the bravest among us. This is content without a net. Pleasure to... Be on the front lines with you fellas. We do this. It's nice to punch our card with you. We do this day in and day out. A bunch of lunch pail Joes right here. A bunch of hard hats. Hey, so now it's 1 p.m. Feeding time is open. What's up? My wife texted me. She ordered. She got Ethiopian. I have not heard from which place. For lunch? Oh, yeah, the veggie combinations are great for lunch. We doing delivery Ethiopian? I guess. I don't think she drove out. Got it. That's a far drive. Yeah, like the mid-Wilshire area. Oh, I thought, so you don't drive the Prius onto the plane and go straight to Ethiopia? You get this from Wilshire? Not since the pandemic. Pandemic fucked up my Ethiopian trips. So when you're doing Ethiopian food...

It's sort of common practice to eat with your hands, no silverware. Is that what you're going to be doing today? Yeah, sure. Now that you tell me that that's common practice, I guess I have to. Yeah, yeah. I guess I'll get into that. Of course I will. Leave the zoom on. We can stop recording in a few minutes, but leave the zoom on just so we can kind of watch you eat with your hands. That's a great, yeah, the meal out with friends, the experience of watching everyone put their hands in there and just like jam it into their mouths. We're going to want to lose the shirt at some point as well. That was Jason last night with the mozzarella sticks. Come on. He was sticking his little claws into the marinara, and I was like, it's a little hot for that, but he kept insisting that it turned him on. All right, Hayes, go listen to Hollywood Handbook, the flagrant ones. It's all on the same Patreon. It's all on the same Patreon. We'll cut that part off. 16 digits, an expiration date, and a CVV. That's great. Thank you for panhandling on our podcast. That's what we brought you in for. Thank you for doing that. Thanks, guys. Bye.